If you’ve ever participated in “retail therapy”, you know exactly how it starts. Pick a feeling: You’re lonely, bored, in a bad mood, killing time, or even showing off. You decide a new purchase is the perfect antidote.

Whether you are physically browsing in a store or the impulse comes over you to scroll online, the result is likely the same. There’s a good chance you’ll buy something. Because to walk away empty-handed could signal you weren’t paying close enough attention. Surely there was an item out there with your name on it if you just applied yourself to its pursuit.

Two nights ago, I started an Amazon search for new decorative pillow covers. I wanted to replace my summer décor with autumn themed fabrics. I spent far too long looking at 18” x 18’ and 12” x 20” cover options. There were too many choices. What did I do? Feeling proud of my discerning taste, I narrowed the selection to 13 items, all of which I ordered without hesitation.

They arrived this afternoon. Guess how many worked? Zero, yes, nada.

Either the colors were off, the fabric wasn’t appealing, the quality wasn’t there, or they didn’t look at all like they were advertised. Did I have buyer’s remorse? You bet. And now I am faced with returning them all!

Dating can be like this. We think we know our own minds and what we want. But after spending time with him, we realize how seriously afar he is from our original vision.

There are many reasons we get sucked into a relationship without intending to. Early chemistry can trick us into thinking there is long-term potential. Equating fun with substance is another culprit.

As Joan Rivers said: “Fun will make you buy, eventually!”

I’d be the first to say there is nothing wrong with chemistry or fun. It’s just that they provide only a superficial clue about whether we’re making a good long-term investment.

Four Ways We Diminish Our Relationship Purchasing Power

Ask yourself if you are choosing the person – or choosing the feeling you get from being with the person. Here are four hypotheticals which reveal that the feeling might be in the lead:

• The Impulse Buy.

You weren’t really looking for anything. Then someone catches your eye. Attractive, exciting, maybe not exactly your type. But you say what the heck and “take him home”. (When I bought those 13 pillow covers, I initially thought I had found the holy grail.)

• The Purchase You Rationalize.

He doesn’t quite fit, but perhaps he will eventually. You overlook the uncomfortable parts because you’re already invested. (Once I got the pillows home, I tried to make them work but had to admit they were not an upgrade over what I had.)

• Ignoring the Return Policy.

There was a window when you could have acknowledged it wasn’t going well. Those little problems in the first 30 days? They’re considerably harder to send back after two years of ownership. (Yes, I’ll get those pillows returned in a timely fashion.)

• Buyer’s Remorse.

You knew the hour or the day or the week after you got involved, that it wasn’t right. When the thrill wears off, you must squarely face up to the questions: Does this suit me? Is this what I wanted? Why did I choose this? (In my case, the excitement over the arrival of the pillow covers was quickly superseded with an awareness that I didn’t spend enough effort making sure the selections matched my standards.)

Of course, people aren’t merchandise, and dating shouldn’t become a cold checklist. But just as thoughtful consumers can recognize flawed purchasing decisions, so too we should be open to the possibility that our initial “in the moment” interest may not have long-term legitimacy.

There is a vastly different value proposition between someone who catches your eye and someone who actually belongs in your life.

Here’s How To Know Which is Which

Before you take the relationship to the cash register, ask yourself these questions:

“Am I in this for the ‘thrill of the sale’”?

“Do I feel the urgency to grab onto this before someone else does?”

“Am I deciding based on the person’s future potential rather than current actions?”

“Am I more excited about being wanted than I am about him?”

If you answer “yes” to one or more of these diagnostic questions, pause. You don’t have to walk away. Just don’t accelerate. Time is on your side.

I’d love to know if the correlation between your dating “purchasing power” and relationship decision making resonates. Write to me at Kate@KateSomerset.com.Bottom of Form