Let’s face it. When we resume dating again in mid-life, we aren’t quite sure what we should be looking for in prospective dates. Their conversational ability? An authentic story? Good manners? How they dress? Their enthusiasm for us? Generosity? A fun-loving spirit?

Speaking from my own dating experience following a lengthy marriage and divorce, I started out wary of the big generic dating pool. How do I evaluate the men I meet, I wondered. And then it hit me. I realized what I cared about finding in men were the same qualities my family, friends, and work colleagues admired about me: 

• Trustworthiness
• Dependability
• Consistency
• Curiosity
• The ability to communicate

Once I began dating, I applied my “What would Kate do” personal litmus test. Were they behaving towards me the same way I would choose to behave towards them?

 Sometimes, it takes several meetings to know if prospective dates meet your standards in all the categories you care about. But not so with communication ability! From the opening salvo, you’ll know if they pay attention to correct punctuation and grammar, and if they express their thoughts with ease.  That’s especially true on dating apps. So let’s start there.

MY ‘GOOD COMMUNICATION’ SOAPBOX

 In 8^th grade, my English teacher Mrs. Brown shared a value that has stuck with me ever since. No matter who you communicate with, if you can’t do it clearly and accurately, she said, they will think less of you. Ever since, I freely admit that I notice when people don’t communicate in an articulate way.

Here’s an example from my everyday life. As a relationship dating coach, I receive messages from prospective clients about how to succeed at dating. I can tell from the way the messages are worded – and yes, punctuated – whether that person is a good communicator.

Take this message I received last week:

 “Hey there Kate…This is FIRST NAME, LAST NAME…I’m having a very difficult time find a companion, partner…our friend NAME told me get in touch with you in that you have been successful in this area.”

Here’s what’s wrong with this:

• The tone is overly informal. She doesn’t know me.
• The goal is ambiguous. What does she think I do and what does she really want?
• The grammar is incorrect. “Find” a companion, rather than finding.

Without knowing her, I can already tell this person doesn’t pay attention to details. Will it sabotage her ability to be successful in relating well in her dating life? We will find out!

TEXTING YOURSELF RIGHT OUT OF A DATE!

 One of the most disliked features of online dating is having to endure a disappointing initial greeting. While I understand that dating apps are a casual space, casual doesn’t mean careless!

On full display are cringeworthy examples of faux flirting, unclever come-ons, and downright dumb opening lines. These are actual openers I’ve received from men on dating apps:

• “Im a catch trust me” – reads like a warning label, rather than a greeting! He sounds both egotistical and mysterious. Now I am wary he’s untrustworthy.
•  “Your beautiful and I no we would be great together” – a grammar dealbreaker! “Your” and “no” are both incorrect. This guy is cocky and not self-aware.
• “I seen you liked hiking we should do a hike or whatever” – weak start, weaker close. The use of the word “whatever” demonstrates he doesn’t have much imagination.
• “Hey…you like dogs I like dogs so like we have stuff in common right” – ellipses don’t make him more interesting. He’s reaching with his stream of consciousness approach.
• “I saw your profile and it was cool I’m a chill guy with lots to offer if you wanna chat” –Always in this much of a hurry with the run-on sentence?! Generic = forgettable.

Whether you are looking for love or just a decent banter, the way a date communicates matters.

 WHAT’S YOUR DATE’S COMMUNICATION GRADE?

 In summary, to determine if your date has the communication skills you expect, ask yourself:

• Does this read like someone I’d want to talk to?
• Could I say what he said out loud without cringing?
• Is he showing real interest—or just fishing?

Here’s wishing you the fortitude to hang on to your standards as you encounter men on dating apps. Share your stories at Kate@KateSomerset.com!