The # 1 warning sign of trouble in paradise

Psychologist and author John Gottman’s groundbreaking work on relationships is widely regarded, not only for what he recommends we value in a partner, but also for spotlighting the issues or concerns we should not blithely dismiss. Together with co-author Nan Silver, Gottman wrote The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work based on research findings from his Love Lab.

Besides its catchy name, the Love Lab’s observation space provided Gottman and Silver the opportunity to observe couples interacting in real time. So attuned did Gottman become to discerning the communication styles of the pairs he watched, he could predict impending divorce with 91% accuracy.

What was Gottman seeing that convinced him relationships would fail?

Here’s a hint: while the spoken word might foretell relationship troubles, the revelation could also be conveyed in a tone, a look, a posture.

What is the #1 undoing of relationships, you ask? The culprit is CONTEMPT. According to the dictionary, contempt is a “feeling that a person or thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving a scorn.” Synonyms for “contempt” include disdain, disparagement, and disrespect.

How does contempt begin?

Most relationships start with playful infatuation, which builds to admiration, which grows to appreciation and commitment, which can develop into a stable, mature love. So, how and when does disrespect or contempt get a foothold?

Every relationship can downgrade in its own way, but here are five common denominators which spell the beginning of disrespect:

• Lack of shared values and expectations,
• Disagreement over big life decisions,
• Growing inequity in the relationship which favors one party over another,
• Outside pressures which create a negative influence, and,
• Behaviors which set up resentment and frustration.

Once contempt enters a relationship, it slowly but insidiously replaces respect with disgust. Harmful words are spoken, accusations are made, misunderstandings occur, and apologies are slow to be offered, if at all. A wall goes up, blocking effective communication. With each contemptuous action, the wall gets higher.

As you re-enter the dating world, it’s not likely that a person you are just beginning to see will exhibit signs of contempt – at least towards you, and at least not early on. However, it’s quite possible your date may have developed a pattern of contemptuous communication with others in his life which has normalized disrespecting as a way of relating. That’s your warning sign.

No one ever deserves being disrespected or causes another’s contemptuous behavior. Don’t blame yourself or self-flagellate over what you could do or have done differently.

Keep in mind that people who hold contempt for others often have low self-esteem. That lack of self-respect causes the person to lash out at others in a misguided attempt to feel better.

Here are signs of contempt to watch out for:

NON-VERBAL:

• Eye rolling, smirking or sneering
• Dismissive hand waves
• Refusing to make eye contact during serious discussions

COMMUNICATION PATTERNS:

• Talking down to you, as if you’re a child
• Interrupting you regularly
• Imitating or mocking your voice
• Correcting you or making jokes about you publicly

EMOTIONAL BEHAVIORS:

• Using silence as a form of dominance
• Withdrawing affection or warmth as punishment
• Treating your feelings as inconvenient or not worthy
• Showing irritation at your happiness or success
• Lacking curiosity about your thoughts or inner life

Recognizing the past so you don’t repeat it

If you are a product of divorce or an unhappy childhood, it’s likely that you have witnessed how love can turn into loathing. But it’s also likely you may be numb to the damage such a disrespectful and toxic environment can cause. Because it’s familiar, it might be too easy for you to go “right back there” once you start dating again.

The first step is recognizing contempt in all the ways it may show up – non-verbal, communication patterns or emotional behaviors, or all three – and then naming it for what it is.

The second step is acknowledging you deserve better. Try this mantra on for size: “I choose someone who aligns with my worth, not someone who treats me as less.”

The third step is recognizing that you can start again with more clarity and strength. Once you’ve seen contempt masquerading as love, you’ll understand what you are witnessing and opt not to choose differently.

It’s all about recognizing your power and your value. Do not enter or stay in a relationship where you are treated with disrespect. You deserve better. Share your thoughts and questions with me at Kate@KateSomerset.com.