Ever been on a date – either now or at a different stage of your life – and thought: “He’s great, except for________ (fill in the blank)? But over time, I could fix that!”

It’s a totally normal reaction. By the time we reach our fifties, sixties, or later, we’ve all remodeled something – kitchens, bathrooms, maybe our entire lives. We are really good at the skills that big projects demand: making choices, meeting deadlines, and approving punch lists.

But how does that apply to changing another person’s “undesired” qualities? If we are parents, we quickly learn our children’s personalities are hard-wired. Their habits, behaviors, and preferences develop over time, and cannot be changed by us. Even as we guide them, we can’t remake them in our own image.

The same is true for the men we date. The margin for changing as we grow older and become more set in our ways is razor thin. Perhaps there are superficial things that can be improved (at least in your point of view), but his larger-than-life characteristics are unlikely to be alterable.

The first few months of dating are the highlight reel. That’s the best it will be.

If:

He’s late now.

He’s disorganized now.

He’s emotionally slippery now.

He avoids planning now.

That is him. Grown men are not blank slates. There is no software update coming!

What Happens When You Start Fixing

If you tackle fixing him, proceed with caution. Why? Because working on changing him also changes the relationship dynamic.

• You focus more on trying to change him than you do on what you like about him in the first place.
• He senses your efforts – even on a subconscious level – and he starts being cautious around you.
• Resentment shows up for both of you. He resents your emphasis on whatever it is you want to change. And you resent him for not “just doing it”.

Nothing kills romance faster than becoming his coach or project manager.

The Litmus Test

To gauge whether you are thinking about changing him, ask yourself these questions:

• Would I be happy if nothing about him changed?
• Do I admire him, or am I editing him?
• Am I relaxed around him, or am I constantly evaluating?

If you are already making excuses for him or mentally rewriting his habits, try to figure out why. Without realizing it, we often gravitate to types that are familiar to us, even if flawed.

I was called out by my daughter for this when she met a man I was dating. She recognized a personality trait running in the background that I hadn’t named.

“Mom, he’s so controlling,” she said. “Just like dad. You’ve already done this before. Not again!”

She recognized behaviors in him I couldn’t see because I had normalized them in her father. It took her objectivity to help me understand what was right in front of me.

Giving the Benefit of the Doubt

Remember that dating is a stressful business. We shouldn’t expect perfection from others and don’t want them to expect it from us. Giving grace provides space for us to see ourselves and them in a realistic way.

Grace is generous. Delusion is expensive.

Grace is appropriate when there is ownership. But grace is not meant to subsidize repetition. There is a difference between a bad day and a bad pattern. A deeply ingrained pattern is not revealed by one mistake. It is revealed by repetition combined with resistance.

Here’s when to give the benefit of the doubt:

• He’s nervous.
• He misreads a moment.
• He’s a little out of practice.
• He owns the mistake and adjusts.

Do not give the benefit of the doubt when:

• He explains away every misstep.
• He blames others.
• He avoids responsibility.
• He dismisses your feelings.
• He disrespects you.

If your answer to the potential of the relationship is “maybe”, it’s often your intuition trying to whisper politely.  It’s your job to notice, not to fix what’s already fixed in place. A man who is open to growth will show you. A man who is stuck will show you that, too.

Experience brings wisdom and sometimes the hard-earned clarity to realize a “do-over” is not going to work. I hope this conversation has helped you choose between offering grace or walking away. I’d love to hear what you think at Kate@KateSomerset.com.