Every time I speak to groups of women about my book Mom…You Just Need to Get Laid: The Adventures of Dating After Divorce, I am always asked one question. Audiences want to know how frequently I feel pressured by men to have sex.

I always smile and say: “Sometimes it’s not the men applying the pressure!”

When you date as a mature adult, the decision of whether to have sex takes on a different context. There is no worry about pregnancy, less concern about what others might think, and frankly, a more equitable footing to decide what’s right for you.

Of course, I urge all singles to take care of their sexual health. But beyond that, my attitude is that you’ll know what you want and when. And most importantly, you’re in the driver’s seat. So, if you want to be intimate with someone you date, even if it’s scary, act on it!

Here’s a quick story from my dating experiences: I was on a first date with a man I liked. Our lunch turned into a five-hour conversation. I concluded he was interested in seeing me again, but he was also very shy. I decided to make the first move.

Standing in the doorway of my New York City apartment, I invited him in, but he hesitated. “Just for one second,” I said. “There’s something I want to do.”

Looking panicked, he backed up against the wall in the entry hall. I pulled him close to me and whispered: “In case I don’t ever get to see you again, I am going to kiss you,” And then I leaned in. He didn’t kiss back! Undeterred, I announced: “Let’s try that again. I’ll know by your response if I can look forward to another date!”

The second kiss was lots better than the first. And so was the second date!

An Important Disclaimer: Be clear about how you feel first

Before you decide if you want to have sex with men you are dating, you must first decide whether you find the idea appealing or not. Let’s face it: you feel pressure when you’re not interested; you feel excitement when you are. For most women, interest in sex requires there be a strong emotional connection first. It’s not about giving in to coercion or acquiescing to be nice. Instead, it’s a feeling of Yes, Please!

Here are three ways you know you’d like to be intimate:

• You’re wildly attracted and can’t wait to be with him again.
• You aren’t concerned about any fallout from saying yes.
• You fantasize scenarios about what your time together will be like.

The Golden Rule: If you don’t feel a connection, don’t give your consent. Attraction without trust takes away the joy of anticipation. Once you feel safe and attracted, you are ready.

Sending the Signal: The Ways Women Show Interest

Women tend to be more subtle than men if they want to sleep with someone. Women don’t announce desire. They suggest it. A man might say: “I want you!” A woman will make more strategic comments that are hints, not obvious declarations.

Here are five things women might say to seductively reveal their interest:

• You smell good. Our olfactory nerves are attuned to both pleasant and unpleasant scents which trigger our brains to react. Think of how much money is spent on perfumes and cologne to create a mood, a feeling, or to gin up an emotion. When you say a person’s scent is pleasing, what you are really saying is that it brings you closer to them.
• It’s getting late, but I don’t feel like leaving. Implied in the comment is your willingness to extend the evening, to stay for the next adventure, to turn yourself over to whatever happens next. You are declaring your intentions for intimacy.
• You’re trouble. Admitting you can’t resist the other person is equivalent to saying they just might be putting you in a situation you can’t resist. Far from being an insult, this statement is a form of flirtation that acknowledges you know the danger, and you look forward to what happens next.
• So…what now? You are saying out loud that you are totally open to find out what is to follow. This is a loaded question, giving permission to your date to make the next suggestion. This isn’t a question meant to advance the conversation; it’s a flirtation meant to accelerate the intimacy.
• Do you really think I’m that innocent? This isn’t a question at all. It’s a teasing form of connecting. It says you’re admitting to being worldly enough. It’s admitting you have desires – maybe even a wild side — and you are letting him know he can tap into it.

In summary, signaling desire isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being present, honest, and proud of who you are. I wish you many happy moments of intimacy. Write to me with questions at Kate@KateSomerset.com.