Age-old dating advice has held that we should explore what it is about HIM that make him a fit for us. Of course, at age 25, we often decided who to go out with based solely on chemistry and attraction.

Now, at 55 or 65, we are past the point of filtering by height, hobbies, and distance. We’ve lived a wealth of experiences and can now apply them to dating based on the wisdom we’ve gained. We should spend more time thinking about values, habits, deal-breakers and goals than physical appearance, cars, and wardrobes.

As we evaluate prospective dates, the baseline questions always are:

• Is he kind?
• Is he emotionally available?
• Does he communicate?
• Is he an intellectual equal?
• Are his values compatible?

But what if we took it one step further to consider our personal responsibility in the evaluation process. What if we recognized that the most valuable introspection is mining what we know about ourselves. Turn that on its head and you will get a completely different outcome.

Instead of asking: How do I find the right man? Let’s instead ask ourselves: What kind of relationship allows me to be the best version of myself?

Be Willing to Change Your Mind About What You’re Looking For

When I was in college, my sister would always ask me what my “type” was. Even before I could answer, she had decided that an executive made sense for me and would discourage me from spending time with anyone who didn’t fit her parameters.

I used to think she was amusing until I discovered that her not so unsubtle messages were affecting my subconscious. Hear it enough and you might just begin to believe that you shouldn’t stray far from dating a person who seems to “look the part for you”.

The three problems of being locked into a type:

• You can’t see past what’s expected of you (both by others and by yourself), so you automatically reject outliers who don’t fit the mold.
• You don’t give yourself permission to be open-minded about getting to know others whose approval rating isn’t equivalent to that of the “type” you’ve been told is perfect for you.
• You create internal conflict for yourself when what you think you want is in direct opposition to what draws you in.

Examples include:

• You say you want stability, but you are attracted to excitement and risk-taking.
• You profess to want someone quiet and steady, but you are attracted to charisma and drama.
• You claim you want a equal partner, but you are drawn to a controlling person who likes to be in charge.

Five Questions Only You Can Answer:

As Jamie Lee Curtis reminds us, if you want to shake up how dating works, the first step is being honest with yourself. It may be easier than you think.

Employing the analytical skills developed in our careers, in raising families, and in being collaborators, negotiators, planners and caregivers, we know more than we give ourselves credit for about what makes us who we are.

Use those very skill sets to ask yourself what you’d say about you.

Before you ever mark a scorecard to evaluate him, here are five questions to ask yourself.

• What kind of life am I trying to build?
• How do I want to feel with this person I am dating?
• What qualities am I most proud of that I’d want someone to be attracted to?
• Do I know how I bring out the best in other people?
• What am I no longer willing to compromise?

In probing our own beliefs, we claim the overlooked power of asking ourselves extraordinary questions. And better questions always lead to better relationships.

Our Dating Responsibility to Ourselves

Before we seriously embark on dating, we need to have identified past lessons learned, decided who we are and what we want, and answered this all important question:

Do I actually know what the right person looks like for me?

Reflect on that for a moment. Owning it comes from a place of admitting there’s work to be done by you before you can answer.

Do you see how accountability shifts from the person you are thinking of dating to yourself? Will you accept responsibility for getting your house in order before you begin to question his?

I wish you much success in deciding why you want to date and what will make you successful. It starts with you. Write to me at Kate@KateSomerset.com if I can help.