I recently had a lovely get-together at my home in East Hampton, with my friend and Transcendental Meditation teacher Bob Roth, President of the David Lynch Foundation.  I was telling him about how so many of my patients’ ongoing, chronic depression, anxiety, and loneliness are a result (at least in part) of their continuing to chase people who are emotionally, psychologically, and even physically ‘unavailable’. This is not meant to be a criticism or judgement. It is simply something that I have observed frequently in the over 35 years I have been practicing as a psychotherapist.

Bob’s poignant and insightful response about the importance of ‘following the light ‘ should be a reminder to all of us. What this means, of course, is to cultivate relationships with loving and supportive people who have something to give and avoid unavailable people.   Our conversation reminded me of how, on occasion, I too have fallen into the trap of wanting and expecting something from someone whose behavior had made it clear that they were not interested in having a relationship with me.  Our wanting and dreaming and hoping that the ‘unavailable’ person will change is an example of magical thinking.  So in the final analysis, we have to ask ourselves an important question.   Namely, do we want to live in the ‘real’ world or in a fantasy world that can only disappoint and depress us?  The choice is ultimately ours.

Case Study

Suzanne is a 42-year-old recently divorced mother of twin girls aged 6. She contacted me in April of this year for therapy at my New York City office.  She met Joe, 50, a thrice-divorced estate attorney on JDate, a singles site for Jewish men and women.  They dated off and on for several months, until Suzanne discovered that she was pregnant with twin girls. Although their relationship had not been exclusive, they decided to get married and raise the girls together.   Right from the beginning, Joe would disappear for several days, claiming to be away on business, never letting her know in advance where he was going, how long he’d be away for, or how she could reach him in an emergency.  Suzanne found him mostly distant and cold.  When she tried to talk to him, he would angrily tell her to ‘lighten up.’ She was devastated.

Joe spent virtually no time at all with his new daughters and would become very angry when they cried.  Suzanne and her family (who live in another state) are not close.  In fact, she has been estranged from them for many years.  Although she does have several close girlfriends, she’s been embarrassed to let anyone know the reality of her new marriage and life with Joe.

Suzanne told me that she tried everything that she could think of to engage Joe. Nothing worked.  Their only connection was sexual.   They made love- or rather, had sex every night (whether Suzanne wanted to or not).  Joe would tell her that she ‘owed’ him.   In public, they seemed like the ‘perfect’ couple with adorable children.  Behind closed doors, they treated each other like strangers.

Why Joe and Suzanne married in the first place and then waited 6 years to divorce is a mystery. This ‘mystery ‘ is our therapeutic agenda.  Namely, to help Suzanne understand why she married a man whom she didn’t really know and why she chose to remain in a marriage with a sadistic, cruel,  ‘unavailable ‘ man who tortured her emotionally.  One only needs to examine one’s family of origin to begin to understand why people do what they do.

Suzanne’s Family of Origin      

Suzanne grew up in a wealthy California family.  She and her 2 siblings were mostly raised by a Nanny, who was firm and emotionally unavailable.   She did, however, remain with the family until the children’s teens. Her parents were very social and rarely at home.  Suzanne remembers from a very early age asking her mom and dad to play with her.  She told me that their typical response was that ‘they were too busy’ and that she could play with her brother and sister and Nanny. There were no hugs, good night kisses, or ‘I love you” from either parent.  On occasion, her mom or dad would bring the children a special treat or present.  That was primarily the extent of their connection.  Suzanne learned to equate love and family with distance, lack of affection, and ‘unavailability’.  Unfortunately, it was not until the collapse of her marriage and her therapy with me that she began to understand that her early childhood experiences taught her all the wrong messages about what loving relationships look like in action. She remembers thinking as a child that if she was only nicer, smarter, and prettier, maybe her parents would want to spend time with her.  She blamed herself for their unavailability as she did in her marriage.

Suzanne and I have been working together on a weekly basis since April.  I am so proud of her commitment to do this painful work.  She now has clarity and understands that it was not her fault that her parents were not able to give her and her siblings the love that they deserved.  She also understands that in marrying Joe, she was entering into a ‘familiar’ relationship dynamic- —one to avoid at all costs in the future.  Suzanne is planning to go back to school.  She told me that she wants to be a therapist.  Her relationship with her children is warm and loving, and she recently has expressed interest in starting to date.

Lessons to be Learned

In being willing to honestly examine one’s life and relationships— the good, the bad, and the ugly—people have an opportunity to once and for all live their lives in ways that are truly in their best interest.  So if you find that you are ‘stuck,’ give yourself permission to reach out to an experienced mental health professional.  It can make all the difference in the world!