I recently began working with 3 new patients- a 65 year- old unhappily married male urologist, Dr. S., a 54 year-old never-married woman, Theresa, who owns several lucrative businesses and a 60 year- old married female, Susan, who has a history of severe trauma- beginning in her early childhood.  They all contacted me for one reason only.  Despite outward success and appearances, they told me that they were miserable with their lives and said that they were committed to making some major changes.  Over the many years of treating thousands of men and women of all ages and stages in life, I have learned that it’s not what people say- it’s what they DO.  So only time will tell whether my new patients are indeed SERIOUS about beginning a new and better chapter in life.

DOCTOR S. CASE HISTORY

Dr. S. has been reading my ASK BEATTY advice columns for the past few years and recently reached out to me because of difficulties that he was having with his adult son Jason- aged 30. Jason recently hit his father, who ended up in the hospital with 3 broken ribs. The father chose to not press criminal charges.  Jason has been in and out of therapy since his early teens.  Although he graduated from college with a 4.0 grade point average, he has yet to be employed.  While it is true that he has suffered from depression for many years, his ongoing drug use, volatile temper, sense of entitlement, lack of commitment to getting help or even agreeing to finding a part-time job have all contributed to his ongoing problems.

However, in my professional opinion, the NUMBER 1 dynamic that has contributed to Jason’s destructive and self-destructive behavior has been the PARENT’S COMPLIANCE in enabling their son to play havoc with their life. They pay for his rent, his food, his entertainment, his health insurance and his car.  Although the parents have threatened to no longer financially support their son, in the final analysis, they have been unable to follow through with their promises.  Jason has learned to ‘play’ them and no longer takes their threats seriously. Although Dr. S. is well aware of this dynamic, he continues to have difficulty setting any limits for his son.   In addition, his marriage has been in a downward spiral for many years. Unfortunately, he and his wife have been unwilling or unable to take the necessary steps to tackle their marital problems head-on. His wife recently made a serious suicide attempt and is currently in the hospital.  Hopefully, this crisis will turn into an opportunity for the wife and the couple to seek some much needed professional help.

 What Are the Consequences When We Allow and Enable People To Hurt Us?

This case study demonstrates what happens when people are not willing to ACKNOWLEGE, ADDRESS AND RESOLVE as best as we can- the problems and issues that play havoc with our lives and relationships. It’s always easy to blame others for our problems.  However, an important question that each of us needs to ask ourselves is this.  What is my role in keeping a destructive and self-destructive dynamic going?  Do I say yes when I really mean no?   Do I remain silent for fear of rocking the boat?  Do I second guess myself?  Let’s remember that we need not be passive by-standers.  Our passivity sends a strong message. What it communicates is this…..”I am willing to continue to allow and enable you to hurt me and disrespect me.  Is this really the message that you want to send to others?

It is our avoidance, denial, blame, self-blame, fears, depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem and defensiveness that keep us in a downward spiral.  It takes a lot of courage to be willing to deal with our problems head-on.  And yet if we refuse to step up to the plate and confront our demons (old and new), it becomes increasingly difficult – if not impossible to fully enjoy life.  And remember- you don’t need to navigate life’s challenges on your own.  Find yourself a great therapist and commit to making your next chapter the best one yet!