Triangling,  occurs when person 1 complains to person 2, about person 3.

When there’s tension between two people which they can’t resolve, one or both are likely to confide in, complain to, or triangle in, a third person.

Vicki complains to her sister that her husband criticizes her in public.

If it’s difficult or impossible for you to complain, cause a fuss, say I’m unhappy, disappointed, or hurt, your discomfort Is likely to cause you to confide in another person. And it works, you get relief. Temporarily. You’ve gotten it off your chest, but if the situation remains unresolved, you’ll once again feel injured, and have to triangle again. Often called venting, or gossip, Triangling is thought to be harmless, but it can have damaging consequences.

Damage to the person who triangles.

The unresolved grievance will fester becoming an unacknowledged, but destructive sore spot in your relationship.

Vicki feels increasingly hurt by her husband and begins to act this out.

. Damage to the person who is triangled.

When triangled by someone you care about, their feelings can magically become yours. This transfer of feelings can cause wear and tear to your body.

While receiving Vicki’s complaints, her sister’s blood pressure becomes elevated.

Your relationship with the person hurting them can become damaged.

Vicki’s sister is angry at her brother-in-law and inexplicably cold towards him.

Damage to children who are triangled

Unaware of this danger, parents often triangle their children.

A mother may say, “Oh dear, another dinner ruined, I wish daddy would come home when he said he would.”

A father may say, “That’s your mom, she can’t keep her mouth shut, she has to tell grandma everything.”

Nonverbal cues, like rolling the eyes, or shrugging the shoulders, can communicate as effectively as words their spouse has done something wrong. The parents have gotten it off their chest, but their anger has been transferred to their child. Whenever dad comes home late, or mom is overheard talking to grandma, the child will feel angry at the offending parent. Although the blamed parent hasn’t harmed or hurt them, the child’s feelings about that parent have been damaged. The blamed parent may feel the rift, but won’t understand what caused it, and will have no way to repair it. An unnecessary wedge has been created between parent and child.

Additionally, children who’ve been triangled will be hyper-sensitive to the feelings of the person who triangled them. Without being told, they’ll instantly sense what the other is feeling, and often take responsibility for them, which can have other unfortunate consequences.

Wayne was mommy’s favorite. She confided her fears and unhappiness to him. Wayne always felt what mom felt and instantly became her advocate. When his sister Carla asked Mom to babysit, Wayne felt his mother’s unwillingness, but as usual, she said “of course.” Wayne immediately felt angry at Carla. “She’s so selfish.” he said. Carla hadn’t harmed Wayne, but the relationship between brother and sister was damaged. Their mother’s ‘I can’t stand up for myself,’ Cover Story, caused her to triangle her son, which endangered her children’s relationship.

When you’ve been triangled by someone you care about you won’t be able to protect yourself from taking on their feelings

Sasha was hurt and angry, she couldn’t understand why her husband Hal refused to have anything to do with her parents. Her childhood was painful. Her parents often told her they were sorry she was born. To deal with the abuse she created an ‘I accommodate’ Cover Story, and an ‘I never make waves’ Coping skill. She was still trying to please them. From the day they met she’d complained to Hal about her parents’ treatment, unknowingly transferring her pain to him. Unable to convince her to break with, or at least stand up to them, Hal’s anger finally forced him to refuse to have anything to do with them.

Triangling – the most popular form of communication.

I’ll bet you recognize the behavior, it’s ubiquitous – For Example:

• Does your husband grumble about his boss?
• Does your daughter whine about her boyfriend?
• Does your mother criticize your sister’s parenting?
• Does your sister complain about your mother’s meddling?

How do you feel when receiving these disclosures? Has it affected your relationship with the person they are complaining about? Are you aware of what you feel your body?

Triiangling is a form of self-defense. If you felt safe enough to confront the person who is annoying, hurting, embarrassing, offending, or injuring you, you’d do it. Ask yourself what you’re afraid would happen if you asked your friend to stop gossiping about you, or your husband to stop teasing you? When you imagine these things, what do you feel in your body? Is it the feeling you have when experiencing your wound?

You, like the rest of us, triangle

When confronting a situation, you can’t bear and can’t change – the impulse to triangle is irresistible, and you may find yourself confiding in someone close to you even though there can be a price to pay for it.

When I explained triangling to Sasha she said, “But he’s my husband, I thought I should tell him everything “

If you can, try to confide in someone who won’t get triangled. For example, If, you complain to your neighbor about your sister-in-law’s overstaying her welcome, she’s unlikely to take on your feelings. The next chapter begins Part 2

How the need to maintain relationships, past and present, affects who you think you are.