Satisfying relationships can make the difference between having a happy and fulfilling life and one of despair; they can even impact your longevity. But important as they are, your relationships can keep you from being who you really are.

The Relationship Contract

Whenever you begin a relationship of any kind, you and the other person sign a Relationship Contract. Unwritten and unacknowledged, this contract is nonetheless binding. It’s only clause – I’ll be who I am, and you be who you are, defines each person’s role. For example:

One is dependent, and the other is responsible.

Both are alcoholics.

One is shy and the other is outgoing,

Both are overachievers.

The contract stipulates that both will continue to play the role they were playing when the relationship began. Both know what to expect and can count on the other not to surprise them. Even if there’s conflict or tension, even if one or the other doesn’t like the role they’re playing, the imperative to keep playing it is very strong.

Breaking the Relationship Contract

When you change, you’re no longer the person you agreed to be, and many of your relationships may no longer feel right. The other person can feel the contract has been broken, and they’ve been betrayed.

When Oprah Winfrey lost weight, instead of the congratulations she expected from her loyal audience, she received letters berating her for no longer being “one of us.”

One person changes and the other doesn’t

When one person changes and the other person doesn’t, the relationship will be in jeopardy. Both may, for a while, pretend nothing has changed. There may be a period of tug of war, in which one or both try to make the relationship feel right. They may squabble or accuse one another of betrayal or unfairness. Others can be drawn in; mutual friends may try to mediate or bring the person who has changed back in line. But if they can’t find a way to ignore the discomfort or establish a new contract, the relationship will probably end.

When Amy and Alec married, she was seventeen and he was twenty-seven. Alec had grown up in a rough neighborhood and learned early the necessity of taking charge. Their Relationship Contract, which worked well for many years, was based on his ‘I take control,’ and her ‘I acquiesce’ Cover Stories. When the children left home, Amy was bored and got a job. She was surprised and delighted when she was quickly promoted. With her new sense of empowerment, she was no longer satisfied to let Alec make all their decisions. She tried to explain, but Alec’s ‘I take control,’ Cover Story wouldn’t allow him to bend. He couldn’t bear the idea of ‘acquiescing’. ‘He wanted things to be as they’d always been; he wanted the “old” Amy back. Alec couldn’t give up his need for control, and Amy could no longer acquiesce. After a year of trying to work it out, they divorced. Amy married a colleague who valued her self-confidence  , and Alec married a woman who was very much like “old Amy.”

By inadvertently recovering her Undercover ability to ‘be in control,’ Amy had broken their Relationship Contract.

One person changes and the other changes complementarily

When one person changes, although initially both feel unbalanced and awkward, some people can change complementarily and create a new Relationship Contract.

At twenty-one, Denise had a promising acting career. Suddenly, she began to show up late and unprepared for rehearsals. When her agent threatened to fire her, she sought therapy. Denise’s parents died when she was five, and her brother Jed, 10 years older, had taken care of her. Their Relationship Contract was based on her ‘I need help’ and his ‘I take care’ Cover Stories. Although Jed said he was happy about Denise’s growing success whenever she mentioned a new role or a good review, he changed the subject or got off the phone. Denise felt a tightening in her chest whenever she thought of calling him with good news. In therapy, she realized the tightness in her chest was reopening the wound of the loss of her parents. She was afraid she’d hurt and possibly lose Jed by seeming not to need him. She also understood she’d been unconsciously sabotaging her career, so she’d still be the needy little girl her beloved older brother could rescue. Although it was hard for Denise, when she explained her problem to Jed, he admitted that as Denise had gotten more independent, he’d  felt  “left out and unnecessary.” They realized their Relationship Contract, which had been based on her need and his help, was obsolete.

Their parents’ death had locked them into their Cover Stories and established their Relationship Contract, which had worked well for them for many years. Their love for each other allowed them to forge a new Relationship Contract in which both could expand their idea of who they are. Denise could recover her Undercover ability to ‘take care of herself,’ and Jed could recover his Undercover ability to ‘ask for help,’ even occasionally from his ‘little sister’.

Although you can’t predict the reaction others will have when you break a Relationship Contract, you can be sure there’ll be one. The longer someone has counted on you to be the old you, the more likely they’ll resist the new you. Family members who are still expecting you to be the person you described in your Family Pie will be the most uncomfortable when Relationship Contracts are broken. Even if they’ve been encouraging you to make this change, when you make it, you’ll be upsetting the balance of the entire family system.

When you differentiate from the role you were assigned in your family, although that change enhances your life, you risk breaking many Relationship Contracts. This is why the possibility of breaking Relationship Contracts is one of the most compelling reasons people don’t change. In the next post you’ll discover how, counter-intuitively, difficult relationships provide a path to discovering who you really are.