Nine years ago, I got a divorce and moved from Texas — where all my adult life was spent — to New York City. My lifelong female friends and I pledged the move wouldn’t cause us to lose touch. And yet it did.

It was no one’s fault and yet everyone’s fault. The onus could have been on me as the one who had done the leave-taking. Or it could have been the responsibility of my friends to do a periodic welfare check.

Either way, as I revisit the Christmas cards I received this year, it hits me again. The months slipped by. I should have been better at communicating. We have so much shared history.

 Friendship Doesn’t Survive on Nostalgia

In my case, it was easy to make excuses:

• If I was local, it would be easier to stay in touch. (True).
• We’ll talk when things calm down. (Do they ever?!)
• There’s a time difference and I can’t call now. (You should have thought of that before!)

What happened next was predictable. I started a new life making new friends in a new home. And the longer gaps between connecting with my “old” friends created emotional drift.

 The biggest challenge in maintaining adult friendships is believing they will always have the richness that sustained them over many years. Shared history is the foundation. But shared experiences are the glue.

Ellen DeGeneres puts it in modern-day terms:

“I always say my phone is my best friend. It’s there for me 24/7…unless I forget to charge it.”

Staying in touch is the current that keeps our friendships from losing power. But it’s up to us to figure out where we keep the charger and put it to use!

 The Courage to Take Initiative

 When I moved to New York City, I had never tested the endurance of longstanding friendships. I learned quickly that friendships don’t run on autopilot.

Staying connected to women we love – especially those who live far away – requires deliberate action. And somebody has to initiate it.

Maybe you won’t stay in regular touch with everyone from a prior life. Here’s how to decide:

• Do you value the friendship, or have you outgrown it?
• If the friendship is important to you, why does it matter?
• Are you willing to make the effort to nurture it?

If you don’t make the conscious decision you want to steward the friendship, take my word that it will gradually lose potency on its own. While you won’t intend for that to happen, time and distance and life circumstances will reduce intimacy.

To stay vulnerable and engaged, you’ll need to have courage. To stay connected, you’ll need to take responsibility. We don’t automatically ripen into better friends with age.

Create Connection Rituals

Instead of defaulting to “We’ll Catch Up Soon”, recognize you’ll need a plan. Because adult friendships don’t have built-in rhythms (like schools, or office hallways, or shared life events), the responsibility of creating them is yours.

No matter how general or detailed your plan is, adopt the rule that keeping score never works. Friendship isn’t a 50/50 ledger. There is asymmetry. You aren’t off the hook if you were the last one to make contact.

Here are ideas for developing a friendship communication plan:

• Decide who and how you want to share big news (good or bad), then do it.
• Calendar birthdays and anniversaries as an ideal time for making contact.
• Schedule your next future call or visit at the conclusion of your last one.

We know this is a must. We schedule dentist appointments with more consistency than we schedule the people who know our stories!

Maintaining Friendships is a Longterm Investment

 I returned to Texas last week to attend a professional meeting where I saw many friends and acquaintances from my days there. Here were women who had walked beside me in my marriage, supported me when I adopted my daughter, loved me through my cancer diagnosis and treatment, and encouraged me as I reinvented my life with the move to New York.

A second Ellen DeGeneres quote applies:

“We’ll be friends forever because you already know too much.”

 In that moment, I vowed to follow my own advice, beginning with writing notes to say thank them for what they mean to me.

The living witnesses to our lives are always worth the first call.  Let me know if you agree at Ann@AnnLouden.com.