The blame game

Few people come into couples therapy saying, “My wound is ruining my marriage, please fix me.” They come armed with a laundry list of things the other does wrong, hoping the therapist will fix them. Unfortunately, by the time most couples go for help, their grievances are set in stone. While they were once willing to bend, now neither is willing to give an inch. After years of suffering what they believe is their partner’s rudeness, indifference, or disregard, each is only interested in proving they’re the right-wronged one and getting the other to accept the blame and change. Believing the problems are all the other person’s fault, many couples endure a lifetime of unhappiness or simply break up.

 Expectations are pre-meditated resentments.

 When a relationship is in trouble, couples almost always replay the same argument over and over. Each knows exactly what the other will say; in fact, they could easily switch roles. They’re performing a well-rehearsed play which has already had a long run. Amazingly, the grievances, whether trivial or significant, are often given the same importance, they say, with equal incredulity,

“Can you believe it, he or she won’t…Turn off that music, read to the kids, agree to start a family, take out the garbage, go on vacation, get a job, answer the phone, be ready on time,  stop spending money, drinking, telling silly jokes, or feeding the dog from the table…”

Whatever the grievance, the subtext is always the same: “Why won’t you do what I want?” Where did we get the idea, we should have everything the way we want it?

A good reason to bicker.

Arguments are unpleasant. No one wants to argue, and yet many couples often quarrel about things that neither really cares about and which never get resolved.

On summer evenings, before he gets into bed, Herman turns up the A/C. Joycelyn immediately turns it down and bitterly says, “Why do you do that? You know how sensitive I   am to the cold.”

Wearily, Herman responds, “And you know I get hives from the heat.” Herman and Jocelyn have been having this argument for 30 years.

So, if arguing never solves anything, why do people argue? Arguments create distance. It may seem contradictory, but many people have good reasons for creating distance between themselves and their loved ones.

Military couples often argue before a deployment; the distance created by the argument makes it easier for them to separate.

Do you want to argue with your loved one? Of course not. Do you do this intentionally? Again, no. But if you were neglected or hurt by the people who were supposed to love and care for you, your Cover Story may be ‘I can’t trust love’, and your Coping Skill ‘I erect barriers.’ Feelings of tenderness or vulnerability can recall your early wounding, and reflexively, in self-defense, you create obstacles. Arguing creates a sense of safety, but a big price is paid for this safety. Over time, goodwill is eroded, and the warm feelings you had for one another become harder to remember.   If you find yourself in bitter arguments over trivial things with your loved one, you might ask yourself, “Where did I learn love can’t be trusted?”

The fallacy of the “individual problem”

Many people, rather than risking couples therapy, go into individual counseling or insist their partner does. Many therapists believe each person must have their own therapist. And, if a therapist is treating a couple, they must not treat the individuals in that couple. I think that’s a mistake. In fact, when one partner goes into therapy without the participation of the other, there’s a real possibility of damaging the relationship.

If, as is hoped, the person in therapy heals a childhood wound, their behavior will change. The partner who wasn’t privy to the work the other person was doing may rightly feel their Relationship Contract has been broken, and they’re living with a stranger. The therapist, by helping one partner heal, may have unintentionally jeopardized the relationship.

If, however, the partner participates in the therapy, even if only as an observer, everyone benefits. Healthy relationships depend on intimacy. Secrets destroy intimacy.

Relationships thrive when each person is thoroughly known. Watching a loved one struggle to overcome a wound they suffered creates a deep and significant bond. Also, when the person in therapy changes, the partner won’t be blindsided by the change. And the participating partner may discover they too have a wound in need of healing.

You can’t change another person, and you can’t change for another person. Insisting someone must change for you to be happy sets you and your relationship up for failure.

Couple therapy succeeds when each partner:

• Understands how their wound is impacting their relationship.
• Understands how their partner’s wound is impacting their relationship.
• Appreciates their good reason for choosing this Salt-shaking partner.
• Recognizes the nature of their Relationship Contract
• Takes responsibility for healing their own wound.

Healing childhood wounds is not the end of the story.

When couples recognize and heal the wounds of their childhood, many problems simply disappear. But there may still be difficult issues to resolve. Even people who have healed their wounds and who love each other may find there are aspects of living on which they deeply disagree. No two people will agree on everything. No one will be exactly who you want them to be and do exactly what you want them to do. But to be happy, you must be the person you really are. To do that, you must differentiate between the things you can live with and those you can’t. In other words, which are Negotiable, and which are Non-Negotiable.  The next chapter will explain the difference and how each impacts your life and relationship.