Why we need people who rub us the wrong way.

We hope love will end loneliness, erase feelings of inadequacy, fear, shame, or despair. We want love to make us feel special and safe. Unfortunately, no matter how much someone loves you, they can’t heal the wounds that are the source of those feelings. Only you can perform that magic.

Your wound keeps you from being the person you really are. To heal your wound, your unconscious attracts you to a person with a big Saltshaker, someone who, by rubbing salt in your wound, exposes it and allows you to heal it. But if you’re like most people, when salt is rubbed in your wound, instead of appreciating the gift, you blame the Saltshaker for your discomfort and try to get them to stop.

Of course, they were attracted to you for the same reason. You’re rubbing salt in their wound. and they’re blaming you for the discomfort they’re feeling. Your Relationship Contract guarantees you’ll continue to rub salt in each other’s wound until one, or ideally both. take responsibility for healing your wound.

While they were dating, Tommy made dinner and cleaned up. He never asked Sue to help. After they married, Tommy continued to do everything. Over time, he got angry, but he couldn’t tell Sue what was bothering him, and he got depressed and distant. Sue didn’t understand why he was pulling away but was afraid to ask. Finally, they sought therapy, where Tommy complained Sue never did anything, and Sue complained Tommy never let her do anything.

Tommy was severely punished when he didn’t do “exactly what he was told.” His Cover Story was ‘I’m a perfectionist’ and his Coping Skill, “I never ask for help.’ This was his wound.

Sue was reprimanded whenever she tried to help her insecure mother. Her Cover Story was ‘I’m in the way,’ and her Coping skill ‘I never volunteer.’ This was her wound.

His fear of asking and her fear of volunteering became the basis of their Relationship Contract, perfectly rubbing salt in each other’s wound. When they understood it was their wound, and not their partner, keeping them from being who they really are, they were amazed at how cleverly they had chosen each other.  They created a new Relationship Contract, which allowed Tommy to ask for help and Sue to volunteer. They became cheerleaders for each other as each attempted to counteract the debilitating effects of their childhoods, and were even able to tease one another when caught in what they called their “wound behavior.”

They have what we need.

Your Salt-shaking partner is also your best role model. They demonstrate qualities you need but have placed Undercover, lost access to, and judge harshly in others. And, as with the Salt-shaking gift, instead of learning from them, you’re probably criticizing them, and trying to get them to change the very quality you need.

Lucy, contempt for her neighbor’s ability to” watch TV all afternoon” kept her from benefitting from the Undercover quality of self-care she needed.

Parable

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Honey. Her parents loved her gentle nature. When she cried, they held and comforted her. One day she got angry, her favorite toy had broken. She screamed and stamped her foot. When she looked up, her parents’ smiles were gone. They said, “This is not our sweet Honey.” Honey was frightened; she got a lump in her throat and couldn’t speak. She never wanted to feel again. So, whenever she got that angry feeling, she also got a lump in her throat and her anger died. Honey’s Cover Story became ‘I’m sweet’ and her Coping Skill, I never get angry.’ Her ability to express anger went Undercover. This was her wound.

In another part of town lived a little boy named Rocky whose parents were very proud of their “little man.”. When he stamped his feet in a toddler temper tantrum, his parents smiled and said he was “all boy.” One day he ran to them in tears, his favorite toy had broken. His parents were unmoved, they said “This is certainly not our tough guy.” Rocky was frightened, he felt hot all over, and stopped crying. He never wanted to feel again. So, whenever he got that sad feeling, he also got hot all over, and his tears dried. Rocky’s Cover Story became ‘I’m tough,’ and his Coping Skill,’ I never cry’’ His ability to feel sadness went Undercover. This was his wound.

When they met there was instant recognition. Honey’s unconscious said, “Here’s someone who can use anger, I’ll give him all my troublesome anger. Rocky’s unconscious said, “Here’s someone who knows what to do with sadness, I can give her all these scary tears. Rocky and Honey fell in love. And a Relationship Contract was signed.

But once you’ve chosen each other and handed over your Undercover qualities, your wound becomes even more entrenched. Having gratefully relinquished her anger to Rocky, Honey became even more sensitive, more easily moved to tears. Having surrendered his sadness to Honey, Rocky became even more detached and critical. Having once found Honey’s sensitivity endearing, he now accused her of being overly emotional, and wished she were feistier. Having once loved Rocky’s manliness, Honey now thought him cold, and yearned for a more sensitive spouse.

The qualities they needed, which drew them to each other, became the qualities they couldn’t bear. And so began the tug of war which is the death knell to so many relationships.

We’re unconsciously drawn to Salt-shaking partners who highlight the wounds of our childhood and reveal the Undercover qualities we were forced to deny. This is why we often see:

• a silent partner with a compulsive talker,
• a social butterfly with a recluse,
• an introvert in love with an extrovert,
• a spendthrift with a penny-pincher,
• a short fuse married to a slow burn,
• and an atheist courting a deeply religious person.

Blaming your loved one for your unhappiness will not only undermine your relationship, it will also keep you from healing your wound and from being the person you really are. Changing partners won’t solve the problem until you heal your wound and recapture your denied Undercover qualities; your unconscious will continue to draw you to people with big Saltshakers.  If this sounds familiar and you’re on the fence about couples therapy, the next post may help you decide.