I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how isolated and out of practice we are at making ordinary conversations – particularly with strangers. Until Covid, I interacted with people I encountered on the street, in elevators, or passing in a hallway. (Yes, even in Manhattan!).

During Covid, we all turned inward, worried about our health and getting increasingly rusty at connecting just for the sake of it. One culprit was mask-wearing: expressions and inflection were lost. But even when the masks came off, we were slow to come out of our shells.

Young people who had not yet developed conversational skills were greatly affected, becoming more unsure of themselves and feeling awkward in social settings. Fast forward to today. We’ve reached a point where even “Have a nice day” can be interpreted as insincere, intrusive, or even politically charged.

Yes, the research says the opposite: these tiny social rituals aren’t empty at all. They are the glue that reminds us we’re part of a community.

What’s a Micro-Connection and Why Does It Matter?

In her book: Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How ‘Small Talk’ Can Add Up to a Big Life, Gillian Sandstrom, an associate professor in the psychology of kindness at the University of Sussex in England, explains why talking to strangers is critical for a healthy life.

“I wrote this book,” she says, “because I find talking to strangers enjoyable, valuable, and meaningful and I want you to benefit too…I believe that together we can make the world a little more human, a little more kind by simply saying: “Hello.”

Here are her main points:

• Humans have a fundamental need to belong. We cannot thrive without feeling that we are valued, seen, and understood. Every touchpoint with others bolsters our physical and mental health.
• Small talk builds connection. In its simplest form, small talk can be surprising, fun, rewarding, and is almost guaranteed to uplift the spirits of both participants.
• The short, everyday interactions (micro-connections) that create a quick shared moment of humanity are being lost to a screen. Many of us now work from home, order items online rather than in person, and meet on Zoom.
• Getting a window into someone else’s life – no matter how brief – can level up your own. You recognize yourself in others even with passing conversations.
• Small talk is low stakes. It allows two people to establish safety and familiarity before deciding whether to have a deeper conversation. Recent research also shows that even conversations about seemingly boring topics are typically more enjoyable than participants expect.

With the acronym QUICK, Sandstrom shares a conversational strategy to talk with strangers:

“QU” stands for “Questions”: Asking questions signals your curiosity. The conversation turns towards the other person, and away from you.

“IC” stands for “In Common”: The commonality we call out is the best starting point for connection. It’s why we easily default to talking about the weather, sports, or what we observe around us.

“K” stands for “Kindness”: Offering a sincere compliment is the easiest way to disarm others and can be meaningful enough to stay with them for a very long time.

The Stranger with a Sign

One of the most unique examples of building connection through conversation was the subject of a recent Wall Street Journal article. During Covid, Philadelphia resident Fin Colleton started a viral park-bench movement to fight his own isolation and loneliness. Stuck by himself for three months in an empty house, he dreamed up a plan to entice strangers to talk.

Creating a sign that read: “How’s Your Day Going?”, he carried it to a Philadelphia park and waited. Much to his delight, people stopped to answer his question. Day after day, he returned with a new sign and a new question. The conversations kept happening.

“I found that people could come to me,” he marveled. “In order to meet people, I didn’t have to walk up to them. They would walk up to me.”

This is the overlooked power of ordinary conversations: small talk isn’t meant to solve the world’s problems. It’s meant to solve a much smaller one: helping another human being be seen. Small talk isn’t the opposite of meaningful conversation. It’s often the doorway to it.

Small talk is the social equivalent of knocking before entering a room. It isn’t meant to be profound. It’s meant to signal, “I’m safe, you’re safe, and we’re both welcome here.”

Let me know about your small talk successes at Ann@AnnLouden.com. Bottom of Form