I grew up in an era where it was considered rude not to promptly respond. That was with everything: invitations, gift acknowledgements, favors given, and phone communication.

We took for granted the following:

• If you were invited to a meal, a party, a meeting, or any other gathering, the burden was on you to reply. It would been unheard of for a host to have to track you down to wrangle your RSVP.
• If you received a gift, it was considered bad manners not to say thank you. And the expectation was that the appreciation would be conveyed in writing.
• If someone went out of their way to do something for you, the obligation was yours to acknowledge the favor. You knew that if you didn’t, you would not be the beneficiary of their future efforts on your behalf.
• If you got a phone call, it was expected you would call back in a timely manner. You would never simply ignore the outreach.

The expected “courtesy of a reply” opened the door to connection and trust. The expression was considered a formality when I grew up. Today it’s often wishful thinking.

Back then, there was no ghosting, no disinterested or inefficient customer service, and no outsourced call banks. Back then we weren’t bombarded with consumer satisfaction surveys, which ironically have neither increased satisfaction nor improved communication.

The Vanishing Art of Getting Back to People

I struggle with the decline in common courtesy. Not only does it set us up for ongoing communication failures, but it has also dumbed down civil discourse.

That’s the fallout at the macro level.

But as importantly, on an individual level, being the recipient of unresponsiveness creates isolation.

Here’s how:

• The person waiting for a response is doing invisible work: wondering, checking, following up, deciding whether to ask again.
• Implicit in reaching out to others is trusting they will care enough to respond. When they don’t, we feel unappreciated and resentment can build.
• The opposite of connection isn’t always conflict. Sometimes it’s simply silence which makes us feel alone.

Three Reasons Why Responsiveness Matters

At a time when the internet and cell phones make communication lightning fast, we are getting worse, not better, at being responsive. Yes, we are bombarded with information at unprecedented rates. Yes, life is more complicated. Yes, we feel pulled in many directions.

But what is unchanged about communicating effectively are the benefits that good communication provides. It pays to be responsive for three reasons:

• Responsiveness becomes part of our personal brand. People learn whether they can count on us. I have a friend who is not a timely communicator. What she has taught me with her unreliable communication style is that I cannot always trust her. So I make adjustments in communicating with her. 

• Reliability is one of the quiet ways we show people they matter. Responsiveness is really a form of acknowledgment. It says: “I see you. You matter enough for me to answer.” Conversely, when we aren’t acknowledged, we could conclude we don’t count. 

• Our actions build our reputation. I gravitate towards responsive people. I am much more likely to recommend them to others, to turn to them when I need assistance, and to think of them when I want substantive results.

Bring Back the Reply: Five Strategies

1. The placeholder: If appropriate, offer a quick response with the promise of a more complete one later. Example: “I got your message. I am traveling but will get back to you when I return next week.”
2. The shorthand: Instead of aiming for perfection, provide a bulleted response that addresses the key topics. Example: “I appreciate your message. Here are my quick thoughts on each of your points. Hope this is helpful.”

3. The decline: When you need to say no, do it straightforwardly instead of skipping a response altogether. Example: “Thank you. I must decline but want you to know I appreciated hearing from you.”
4. The acknowledgement: Sometimes letting others know you saw what they sent requires no additional communication while professionally closing the loop. Example: “I received and read your communication. Thank you for taking the time to get in touch.”
5. The appreciation: Even when we don’t know the sender, it’s courteous to share gratitude for their efforts on our behalf. Example: “I appreciate the professionalism of your message and thank you for taking the time to contact me.”

Build your own trust deposits with others by committing to being an effective communicator. Let me know how reliable communication enhances connection and trust for you by writing me at Ann@AnnLouden.com.