What do you do when a man stands you up?
by Sandy Weiner, founder LastFirstDate
He seemed amazing, you made a date, and then he didn’t show up. He apologized the next day. Do you forgive him?
—I want to share a “woman of value” story with you. It’s about when a man stands you up and what you can do about it so you don’t feel powerless anymore. It’s about standing in your integrity, even when you feel rejected by a man. It’s about something that just happened to me. I think it’s important to learn lessons from every experience we have in dating. So, here’s my teachable moment about how to be a woman of value, even when a man stands you up! I met a guy a few weeks ago. The first date was amazing. We both didn’t want it to end. He walked me to my car like a gentleman. I liked that. And for the first time in a LONG time, I was interested in a second date. He really liked me, too, and asked me out for the following week. All was good. Or so I thought…
How to Be a Woman of Value When a Man Stands You Up
On our second date, we had a steak dinner at a lovely restaurant in my neighborhood. I liked that he was willing to drive a half-hour to me for the first two dates. I’ve met men who won’t date outside of a five block radius. Those are not men I want to date.Our conversation flowed, and he especially intrigued me with stories about his wild teenage years. That made me like him even more. I love a man with good character AND an edge. A rare finding, or so I thought…
That night, he walked me to my car again and kissed me goodbye.
The kiss was sweet, soft, and just right. No sexual advances past that one kiss. He asked, “Can I see you next week? I’ll be away over the weekend. Which weekdays are you free?”“Monday and Thursday”, I answered.“Great”, he said. “I’m free all week, and I’ll be in touch.” The week went by with no word from him. WTF? Another week passed. Cue the crickets. WTF x 2? It took everything in my power NOT to contact him. But, I know that men sometimes need a week or two to begin to miss a woman. And I was willing to wait for this man.
Oh.My.God. Waiting is HARD!
—I’m not the most patient woman on the planet. With all that free time to think, I began ruminating about what could be wrong. Didn’t we have a great connection? I consider myself to be highly intuitive. I can tell when a guy is sweet-talking me. And he seemed to be the real deal, honestly as into me as I was into him. What could have happened?
Years ago, before I did the internal work to value myself and define my boundaries, I would have been devastated. I would have contacted him to tell him NO ONE TREATS ME LIKE THAT!
—Uh…that didn’t work too well in the past. It actually made men run for the hills. Now, as a woman of value, I knew I hadn’t done or said anything to turn him off. I figured he must be busy, and I wanted to be proactive. So, I did something completely out of my comfort zone. I texted him—a flirty text. It was exhilarating and scary as hell, but I did it anyway. Because I was tired of waiting.
Me: “I cooked an amazing meal last night. Why weren’t you here?”(NOTE: If a man disappears for a week or two after a few great dates and you want to send him a text, reference something you discussed, and ask why he wasn’t there. In my case, we both love to cook and had discussed food we’d made, so after making fresh pesto, salmon, and salad with tahini dressing the night before, I WAS thinking about him. “Why weren’t you here?” was my way of flirting and teasing. I don’t really think he should have been having dinner at my house after two dates. I just wanted to wake him up out of his stupor.)
Him: “I was so busy the last 2 week—had no life really.”(NOTE: Lame excuse, if you ask me. And come on, I just put myself out on a limb, flirting, teasing, and this is the best he had? I was a little triggered, but I breathed through the annoyance, put on my #womanofvalue hat and texted this…)
Me: “Hey, with a little advance notice, I can make time in my busy life for you.”(NOTE: I stated my standards in a kind way. ‘With a little advance notice’ says I’m not a last minute kinda woman. ‘I can make time in my busy life for you’ says that as a solo business owner and mom, my life is super busy just like yours. And I make time for dating.)
Him: “Great, I need to do the same, I’m away this weekend, I’m back Sunday night, lets plan on meeting early next week.”
Me: “Sure. That would be great. Monday or Wednesday works for me. Let me know when and where, and I’ll be there.” I was feeling really good. I had flirted. I had reconnected with him. I did something I don’t usually do, texting a man who disappeared. And he set a date for Monday for us to get together.
And then he sent this text: “I’m cooking?” Whaaahhhh?? Everything was going so well. And now he wants to know if I’ll come to his place for a home cooked meal. Sure, I had teased him about coming to my house for my delicious meal. What to do now? Take note, ladies, because I composed a masterful #womanofvalue text! (If I may say so myself).
“There’s a part of me that would love to come over and taste your delicious home-cooked meal…And I also know that when I’ve done that too soon in the past, it hasn’t worked out well. If you pick a restaurant in Westchester, I’d be happy to drive to you.” See what I did there? Let me break it down.
Part one: I let him know how much I wanted to come over (appreciation, attraction, ego stroke). Part two: I let him know my standards, that I honor myself and know what I need. Part three: I spoke to his masculinity, asking him to choose a restaurant, AND offering an olive branch—he came to me the last two times (we live a 1/2 hour apart), so I offered to come to his neighborhood. He asked what type of food I like, I gave him a few choices and asked him to surprise me. He said, “Ok!!! I’ll do that.”
That was last Thursday. On Monday morning, I still didn’t hear from him about where to meet that night. I didn’t hear from him in the afternoon. By two PM, I was angry. I knew if he contacted me, I wasn’t going to go. Remember, I’m not a last minute kinda woman. But, I never heard from him that day. The next morning, I got this text: “Good morning Sandy, I’m so sorry about yesterday, I had so much work i completely forgot. I got home at 8:30 and I started at 7:30. my bad. I hope you’ll understand and forgive me (insert prayer hands emoji)?” Cute touch with the prayer emoji, don’t you think? Come on, this was the second work excuse in less than a week.
There’s a pattern here, and I knew I didn’t want to see him again. I didn’t want to be reactive. So I gave myself all day to process and gather my thoughts. Later that night, I wrote: “I forgave you when you disappeared for two weeks after saying you wanted to see me the week before. Can I forgive you for forgetting about our date? Honestly, I felt disrespected when I didn’t hear from you yesterday. It sure didn’t feel good to be forgotten. And I can forgive you. I don’t hold grudges.But I’m looking for a man who follows through with his word, someone who respects me enough to make me a priority in his life. Seems like your work is a bigger priority right now. So, I’m closing the door for now. All the best to you.”
Why did I forgive him? Forgiveness is important to me. I don’t like to hold onto anger. But I did want him to know what it felt like to be ignored, to have him be a no show. That’s NOT okay for a #womanofvalue. And I let him know.
Him: “I will tell you that I meant no disrespect in any way. I understand your disappointment in me and my actions. The only thing I can do is to apologize. But you’re right, my life is very busy lately with the new company I started.” If someone is truly sorry, they step up to the plate. They DO better. They don’t just say they’re sorry. I’m done with Mr. Potential. It was only two dates, but it was the promise of something more. After meeting many men who were so not right for me, this man seemed like someone who might be a contender, someone with integrity, attractive, warm, kind, charitable, and so much more.
Here’s a #womanofvalue truth bomb:
It doesn’t matter if a man is great looking, generous, and kind if he has any deal breakers. Even one deal breaker makes all the good stuff null and void.
So, please ladies, date with your eyes wide open. Don’t be fooled by beautiful words or the stories he tells about himself when you first meet. Talk is cheap. Look for follow-through. Watch his actions. They will tell you so much more. —P.S. If you’re wondering why we texted and didn’t speak on the phone, that’s an excellent question. I prefer talking to texting, but he did not, even when I stated my preferences. And the irony is, he told me that the primary reason he left his wife is a lack of attention and communication. He hated that she’d text instead of talk on the phone. He hated that she was ‘married to her job’. Isn’t it interesting that the very things he couldn’t tolerate were the things he was bringing to our relationship. Blind spots in love can be hard to see on our own. That’s why I love doing the work I do, helping women see what’s getting in the way of finding the loving partner they deserve.
Sandy Weiner guides women to show up authentically, stand up and lead with grace, and speak up with confidence. The founder of LastFirstDate.com and TheWomanofValue.com, she’s an internationally known TEDx speaker, women’s empowerment coach, dating and relationship coach, author, podcast host, and retreat leader. Sandy specializes in helping women achieve great things by overcoming fears, finding their authentic voice, and being valued for their full potential. She believes a woman of value is respected and rewarded for her contribution in life, work, and love.
strange making dates during very “busy” work week?? sure fire way for him to ultimately be unavailable? Interesting that he appeared to be busy on the weekends too?? I do tho’ admire the way you handled your emotions and the situation with restraint and lack of anger. And yes there was a pattern that wasn’t going to change anytime soon. Onward to the next one!!
I wish I had that insight when I dated my ex.
One night I was at his apartment and cooked dinner while he was still at work. He never called and I ate alone. He showed up after I went to sleep. I should have gone home.
I was young.
Great article. When I read that he disappeared the first time for two weeks, I felt that the writing was on the wall… he wasn’t interested enough, and it would not go anywhere. When a man is really interested in a woman, he won’t let her possibly slip away to someone else. He will make time to stay in touch, after all, it literally takes five seconds to send a text.