As I reflect on my dating through the years, I’ve been thinking about how what many of us say we are looking for in a partner changes at different stages of life. Dating online now, in my early 70’s, requires clarity around what’s most important at this stage of life. On Match, I tend to be attracted to men who express themselves well in their profiles and show emotional intelligence. After we initially connect, the dance begins. Do they want to stay on the dating site indefinitely or move to texting? Will we have a phone call, or just get together?  Do they seem addicted to chasing an ideal with so many fish in the sea, so their initial interest wanes? Do they love the idea of multiple women liking them, throwing a little chum into the water to keep them all nibbling? This may be the online experience for all ages and stages.

Many of us have experienced a big disconnect between how a person describes themselves and how they are when we meet them. Sometimes I think it’s as if they asked AI to describe the perfect man, and that’s what they post and believe about themselves. Not only is their age misrepresented, so is their essence. Many are angry about ex-wives, or egotistical when they’ve described themselves as spiritually evolved. They are not quite as charming IRL as they sound on paper. I’ve also heard men’s stories about women who misrepresent themselves, mostly by using old pictures. This makes the water we all must swim in a bit murky and can be discouraging even to the most resilient and optimistic.

At this age and stage, I’m clear about who I am and what I’m looking for. Admittedly, when I search online, I do have a mental checklist of demographics (age, education, etc.), though I’m loosening it a bit. When I meet someone, I listen to my heart: Does he bring out the best in me? Does he make me feel heard and appreciated? Do I leave the date feeling energized or depleted? Does he seem open to learning and growing or stuck in his ways?

In my earlier days, I believed I could change people. They would see the light and want to do things the way I did things. I sometimes found myself investing in someone who I thought was a good “project” because someday he would come to cherish my wisdom, thank me for helping them, and we would live happily ever after. Of course, I got that one wrong. Now, when (and if) it starts to get serious, the question I ask myself is whether I feel ready to accept the entire package of both gifts and baggage, without imagining either of us will change much at this stage.

How does healthy, wealthy, and wise change through the years?

In our 20’s and 30’s

Healthy: He goes to the gym and can bench press a lot

Wealthy: He has a job

Wise: He is not so clear about what he wants, until he meets me

In our 40’s and 50’s

Healthy: He gets up on the weekends and helps around the house

Wealthy: He values saving money and lives sort of within our means

Wise: His focus is on the family, while protecting our relationship so we live together happily ever after

In our 60’s and 70’s

Healthy: He doesn’t take many daily medications, exercises, and values a healthy lifestyle

Wealthy: He knows what money can and cannot buy

Wise: He values kindness, loyalty, curiosity, learning, growing, friendships, family, and partnership. He knows how to love and be loved.

At any age, we want to be with someone who gets us, makes us feel special, and is available. Now, I have a blueprint that I can quickly overlay on a date. I know what it feels like when someone brings out the best in me, and I believe the next chapter will be great. Consider getting clear on how you want to feel when you are with the right person, and leave the checklist of “must-haves” behind.