It’s time to take a pause from your daily routines and find a quiet place— without any interruptions—so you can honestly evaluate all of your relationships: including family, friends, lovers, colleagues, neighbors, bosses-virtually everyone with whom you have both intimate and casual relationships.   Take a long, hard, honest look at your lives and relationships, and be willing to acknowledge, address, and resolve, as best as we can (even though we can’t change history), issues including:  mental health, relationship challenges, sexual problems, possible addictions, as well as any physical, medical, and psychological concerns.  Choosing to tackle our issues head-on gives people the potential to change their lives in wonderful ways that you never dreamed possible.  The truth really does set us free. Here’s some guidance.                                                                                       

Be Careful Who You Let Into Your Life!

We all pay a high price emotionally, psychologically, and physically if we engage in and enable toxicity in our relationships.  A research report in Time Magazine shows that people in negative relationships face a higher risk of developing heart problems, high blood pressure, weakened immune function, gastrointestinal and muscle issues, sleep deprivation, as well as mental and emotional issues. Remember, a little bit of poison is still poison.

Evaluating Your Relationships

Let’s take a look at your intimate relationship.  If you are fortunate to have a partner or spouse, how well are you doing?  Hopefully, very well.  Remember that every couple has their ups and downs.  It is the couple who is willing to lovingly acknowledge, address, and resolve issues when they first surface (rather than let the anger, pain, and frustrations build up- sometimes for years) that has the greatest opportunity to find happiness, love, and fulfillment in their relationship.  So, are there issues or topics that you want/need to discuss with your significant other?  Are you ready to have a real conversation about a sensitive subject or subjects that you have avoided talking about for weeks, months or even years?  If you have been reluctant or afraid to bring up certain subjects, have you considered seeing a couples therapist?

Couple Issues Are Best Dealt with in Couple’s Counseling

Couple issues are best dealt with in couples counseling as long as the people feel safe talking about their problems in a therapeutic setting.  The setting should give both people the opportunity to express their concerns and feelings.  Learning the ABC’s of effective communication and problem-solving skills is critical if a couple is to flourish long-term.

In my private practice in New York City and East Hampton, I give couples ‘homework’ assignments.  They leave the sessions with a ‘to do list’ of things, including difficult conversations that they are willing to address, that will help them move forward in their lives.  It’s easy to procrastinate, which is why their commitment to doing their homework is critical in tackling challenges that they may have put on the back burner for years.

Questions

Are there burning issues in your life right now with a partner or any significant person(s) in your life that, for a variety of reasons, you have not been able to address up to this point?  Here’s my challenge to you.  Are you willing to accept my homework assignment and approach your partner, boss, neighbor, family member, or friend and initiate the conversation that you have avoided having in the past?

The Approach

“John or Mary…there are some things that I would like to talk with you about.  Can we set up a mutually convenient time and place- without any intrusions or interruptions.”  The object of the exercise is to have an honest, respectful, and meaningful dialogue where all the issues, once and for all, can be put to rest- if at all possible.   I always suggest dealing with one issue at a time. The goal is to come up with win/win resolutions.  Don’t expect to initially feel comfortable, particularly if you’re not used to dealing with dicey subject matter.  Remember that we don’t need to navigate life’s challenges on our own.  Finding an experienced therapist can make all the difference!

Don’t Let Distractions Keep You from Enjoying Life

These days, there are so many distractions, including, of course, the hours and hours that people are spending on their various devices. Games, gambling, Facebook, TikTok, scrolling, emailing, YouTube videos— there is no end to how much time and energy people are expending. For what purpose?   These distractions may help people in the short term to avoid and deny their unhappiness

Sooner or later, however, the distractions no longer work.   Perhaps it is in the wee hours of the night, or maybe you’re taking a walk on a beautiful beach, that you realize that your life is not on track.  We all know that it’s often very difficult to be fully truthful with ourselves.  Yet it is our avoidance, denial, blame, self-blame, and defensiveness that keep us on a downward spiral.  It takes a lot of courage to be willing to deal with the things that continue to get in the way of our lives and relationships.  And yet if we refuse to step up to the plate and confront our demons (old and new), it becomes increasingly more difficult to fully enjoy life.