Bain’s new book is How to Be a Friend in an Unfriendly World. This book grew out of a Columbia University Master’s course he created for psychologists and offers a heartfelt guide to practicing friendship in all its forms. The book has been described as a “lifeline for difficult times.”

Barnet: Well, I don’t have to tell anyone that these are awkward and rushed times, frantic times. I don’t know anyone who isn’t feeling this kind of constant buzz of going.

And I found it difficult personally to be centered, to find some calm in. And all the craziness and all the crazy weather, so that it began with that. And then there were a number of other episodes that intruded.

I didn’t embark on this subject because I was very good at it. I didn’t have it. I didn’t have it down. It’s not like I was an expert in it, but some things happened in my personal life that happened with my daughter. I’ll get into that in a second. And that made me give some thought to how I show up for people that matter to me and how I don’t show up for people that matter to me.

I wanted to make some changes, and so I began to give some thought to it and, do some reading, and do some journaling and ask a number of questions. But I’ll roll back. My, my daughter, a few years back now, went off to college, and when she came home, we went out to dinner together, just me and her, my favorite thing. She was excitedly unpacking her experience away from home. And I found myself interrupting her with all kinds of questions. And, some of them, I hate to admit, were pretty judgmental, you know:

Do what I like. Who was she spending her time with? Did I approve of her course load?

She called a red alert on it. She said, “You know what? Who, what is this? Who are you? All of a sudden, this is not how you showed up for the first years of my life. What happened to you? What happened to this unconditional acceptance?

And I understood a couple of things in that moment.

First is there’s no such thing as unconditional acceptance. Just that she hadn’t run into the conditions, and I hadn’t been aware of the conditions.

The primary thing is that I felt how deeply I had hurt her and how deeply I had betrayed a certain relationship and a trust [ with one of the very most important people in my life.

And, I didn’t want that to happen again. And so, I wanted to become better at being relational.

And then not long after that. Something else that happened. I came across a street performer in the park, and he had these two sticks and a big dish of soap, and there was a length of yarn between the two sticks.

And he would, he would dip them in, and then he would make these amazing soap bubbles, and they would twist and turn. And then for him, it was captivating. Just captivating. And then his, his, his, the resistance. He, he created this bubble, and it was so enormous that he could step right into it, and he was fully enveloped in this bubble, and I had this instant awareness that this is what I do.

I created this bubble of my thoughts and my beliefs and my assumptions about life, and my fixed ideas about life, and my values. And I live inside that bubble. And I relate to others, my daughter specifically. It began with that. And as long as others reflect my own bubble, I’m great with it.

And, you know, like Narcissus who saw his own reflection and fell in love with his own reflection, unbeknownst to him that he was looking at his own reflection, I realized very much like Narcissus, those that reflect my values and my cultural conditioning and my social, religious, racial, and spiritual conditioning I make real.

And to the extent that they don’t (reflect my values), I either react to them, or resist them, or judge them, or make them invisible, maybe worst of all.

And so I wanted to grow and change.

Get the entire interview here: