When couples heal the wounds of their childhood, arguments diminish. However, since no one will always be exactly who you want them to be, there will probably still be things about which you disagree. How you handle the disagreements can make the difference between a happy and an unhappy partnership. Many people believe they should have everything the way they want it, and their partner should be reprimanded, criticized, teased, or bullied until they comply. But this inevitably leads to resentments which are, of course, a prescription for unhappiness. A happy relationship results when everybody understands which annoyances they can accept and which are too disruptive to their wellbeing, in other words, which are Negotiable, and which are Non-negotiable.

Negotiable

A Negotiable is something someone does, says, or thinks, you really don’t like, but you wouldn’t leave a relationship over.

Jan loves living in New York City but she’s very sensitive to noise. New York is very noisy, but Jan doesn’t want to leave. Obviously, she can’t ask New York to quiet down. Because Jan wants to be in a relationship with New York, and not be miserable, she accepts its noise. She’s even found creative ways to think about the sounds that bother her. The truck rolling by on the street and the siren is a rock band, the perpetual hum of people talking outside her window, waves lapping at sea,

Jan’s is good example because it’s clear that New York can’t be different and if Jan wants to be happy in New York, she must find a way to accept what she doesn’t like. If you want to be happy you must be able to think of the action, behavior, or idea you don’t like as a part, if not your favorite part, of the person you love.  You don’t do this for the other person; you do it for yourself so you can happily stay in the relationship, which is what you want.

A Non-negotiable

A Non-negotiable is something which so negatively impacts your quality of life, you can’t be happy if it doesn’t change. It could concern issues like how to raise children, spend/save money, where to live, and of course anything which affects your health, physical or emotional wellbeing.

Alison and Emmet believed they were soul mates. Emmet was a veterinarian who treated large animals and Alison’s career was Dressage, a precisely choreographed equine sport. They were blissfully happy until Emmet brought up having a baby. At 35 he was anxious to start family. At 25 Alison had plenty of time to have a baby, but limited time to pursue her career. Deadlock! They loved each other and in almost every other way were perfectly happy, but on the issue of when to have children, both confronted a Non-negotiable. He couldn’t wait and she had to. Instead of resentfully staying together, unhappily, they separated.

What, for one person is Negotiable may for another be Non-negotiable. No one can tell you what’s Negotiable or Non-Negotiable for you, although many may try. You must each make this decision for yourself. Everyone has the right to lobby for what they want. Your ability to get what you want can depend on the way you ask for it. Asking effectively and non-judgmentally for what you want is neither simple nor easy. This three-step process can increase your chances of getting what you want and, even if you don’t get it, allow you to live happily.

Step one – The request.

The Request is just that, it’s not a command or a judgment. When asking someone to change something for you it’s best to use phrases like I’d really like, or it would make me happy if… and avoid negatives like – it’s so annoying when you, or I hate that you. Can you see how differently these approaches might feel to the person receiving them? Which would be more likely to win you over?

Avoid questions –. Questions put people on the defensive. When you say things like “Why won’t you, when will you, why do you, how could you?” the other person is likely to respond with a justification of their behavior or an explanation of why you they’re right. Then you’re in an argument and miles away from getting what you want. Unless what you want is distance, then you’re doing just fine.

Step two – The response.

There are three possible responses to your request.

1)The other person says – “I can do that” and they do. You got what you want.

2) The other person says – “I can do that,” but they don’t. Someone who loves you and wants to please you may try to change, only to discover they can’t.

3) The other person says, “I’m sorry I can’t do that.”

Step three – The decision.

If the answer to your request is #2 or #3, you’ve been told you can’t get what you want, then you must decide how important it is to you. Is it Negotiable, or Non-negotiable?

Easier said than done.

Even when they’ve acknowledged something is Negotiable, (they wouldn’t leave the relationship over it), many people can’t compromise. They continue to criticize or harass the poor soul who has already told them they can’t do it or silently stew over their grievance.

Even when something is undeniably Non-negotiable (it negatively impacts their well-being), some people can’t leave and spend a lifetime suffering.

In either case everyone will be unhappy. The flexibility to accept the one and the courage to leave the other can mean the difference between a happy relationship, a battlefield, or a painful life sentence

Your happiness is important. If you’re experiencing either of the following

• You’ve decided an annoying quality is Negotiable, (you won’t leave the relationship over it), but you can’t let the other off the hook
• You know you’re living with a Non-Negotiable condition, (your well-being is at stake,) but you can’t leave.

Get help!

In your quest to be the person you really are you have an often-unacknowledged, frequently overlooked and sometimes disparaged resource, the next chapter will describe the importance of the unconscious mind