In my teenage years, my mother gave me some very poor dating advice. “Don’t act too smart around men,” she said. “You don’t want them to feel intimidated.” Luckily, I ignored her, as many teenage daughters do on occasion with their mothers, and dated “my way”. I showed up, and for the guys that didn’t like who I was, I moved on.

Fast forward to the start of my relationship with the man I married. From the beginning, he put me on a pedestal, treated me exceedingly well, and seemed proud of our relationship. He professed to admire my intellect and appreciate my opinions.

But as the years went by, the jealousy creep began. He placed me high on that figurative pedestal to behave in ways he deemed appropriate. He viewed my work, my career, and my pursuit of activities outside our home as competition. I had hoped for teamwork; he wanted to run the team, not share it. I didn’t want to be adored as much as I wanted to be respected.

You can imagine the rest. I waited until my daughter went to college and then made my exit. None of it was easy, but I never felt so free as when I had the chance to begin again.

Live with yourself. Stand up for your convictions.

Since I divorced 8 years ago, meeting people we are aligned with has gotten infinitely more challenging. The country has never been more polarized. Everyday life is politicized. We sometimes unwittingly make enemies solely for our beliefs.

Navigating dating in this caustic of an environment has the added challenge of determining if men we go out with share our convictions. We wonder how much to reveal about our beliefs, and whether it’s ever possible to be in a relationship with dissimilar views.

An inspiring role model for standing by her convictions is former U.S. soccer player Alex Morgan. The San Diego Waves will retire her number 13 jersey this month in honor of her two World Cup wins and her positive influence on the game. Along the way to superstardom, Alex says out loud what she believes in.

“I think it’s important to stand up not only for yourself, but also for the people around you that are in similar situations,” she emphasizes. “It would be difficult to live with herself if I am not honest about what I believe.”

I like the way author Barbara Kingsolver describes the choice:

“The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. The most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.”

Three Tips for Deciding When and How to Reveal Your Beliefs on a Date:

Once you’ve determined what you hope for in your relationships, the next step is creating a framework to express those convictions. Think of it as a sliding scale, starting with the most rigorous approach of using political beliefs as a screening tool to decide who to date. On the other end of the spectrum is the view that it isn’t essential you and your date are 100% in agreement, so long as you are convinced each of you is admirable and good.

Here’s a three-step building block method to introduce talking about your convictions with a new date. Use this outline to navigate what to say when:

• On the first date, focus on personality. There should be no rush to lay your voter registration card on the table at such an early stage! Instead, decide if the person is friendly, kind, interesting, generous of spirit, and easy to be with. If you enjoyed yourself and the feeling is mutual, that’s the perfect foundation for date #2. 

• On the second date, assess compatibility. Are you attracted to one another? Do you enjoy his company? What do you have in common? Do you want to learn more? Are you impressed by the personal qualities you observe in your date? If you are inspired by the person he is, you’ll likely want to see him again. 

• On the third date, begin talking about values. That conversation might cover spiritual beliefs, family values, work aspirations, community interests and more. Your goal is to get to know the person rather than interrogating him. Passing judgment too quickly leaves no room for growth.

In summary, decide what you want to know, and what you want to share. Identify dealbreakers vs. the signals you are excited to move ahead. The delicate dance of dating takes patience, cooperation, tolerance, and honesty, now more than ever.

I wish you the best in figuring out where you want to be in sharing your convictions. It’s your call and your choice. Please write to me with questions at Kate@KateSomerset.com.