There is a certain stigma associated with dating “too soon”, or dating more than one person at a time, or dating someone substantially younger. The shaming comes from “them”, whoever they are, and we internalize it. So, when we begin to date after divorce or the loss of a spouse, we hear those little voices in our head. We wonder what others will think about the decisions we make to live our lives the way we see fit.

I’m here to tell you what they think doesn’t matter. My divorce was ten years ago, and between then and now, I dated twice the number of men than the years (24) I had been married.

Did it change what people thought of me? No. Did it make me less professionally or socially acceptable? No. Did I worry about it? Never.

Here’s why dating the way I wanted to was freeing:

• I built community. New to New York, I knew no one. The men I dated introduced me to the City, the northeast, and the life I claimed for myself after 35 years in Texas.

• It was exciting! I love meeting all kinds of people. The men I dated have predictably all been dissimilar. How energizing to learn about their backgrounds, their interests, and how differently they related to me.

• I made good friends. My book Mom…You Just Need to Get Laid: The Adventures of Dating after Divorce is built around funny, true experiences with 15 different men. Many remain friends. It was liberating to meet people who valued me for all kinds of reasons, and I returned the favor!

In a recent New York Times profile on actress Emily Blunt, she was asked what she had learned as an adult that she wished she had known sooner.

“I learned not to worry so much,” she said. “If whatever I am concerned about doesn’t keep me from losing sleep, it doesn’t deserve my time or attention.”

Worrying Too Much About What He Thinks

Besides worrying about those who would judge our dating habits, we can also get sucked into wasting time worrying about what the men we date think. And this before we even meet them!

Deciding to date later in life means you come into any new relationship with “baggage”. There’s the obvious: your previous relationships, your children and their feelings about your plans to date, and your obligations to a career and work. In addition, you may be dealing with health issues, current day trauma, or past emotional wounds.

Adding all these concerns on top of the anxiety you might have about dating opportunities will pop the balloon of opportunity. Do not adopt the mindset that things in your background “disqualify” you from being appealing to potential dates. Projecting feelings on the larger universe of eligible men is exhausting, pointless, and a sure hit to your self-confidence.

Everyone you will date also has a history. They do not wear their past losses, disappointments, or fears on a warning label to prepare you. Neither should you. Your story belongs to you and while it informs your future, you should never give it the power to diminish your worthiness to be attracted by, cared for, and loved by someone new. 

Four Ways to Banish Worry

Twyla Tharp said it best: “After we terrorize ourselves with self-doubt, our only relief is to get moving again.” The four most effective anecdotes I’ve found to banish worry are:

• Do the thing you want to do. Instead of forecasting that it won’t work, try it. See if there are repercussions. With dating, find out what, if any, backlash occurs. Most likely, there will be no fallout for decisions you make. But you won’t know until you go for it. 

• Give it time. Don’t overreact based on one experience, one negative reaction, or one pearl-clutching comment from someone who doesn’t really know you. You’ll see a completely different pattern if you allow time to show you the impact of your decisions. 

• Ask someone you trust. Find the person who knows you well and is objective. Say this: “Here’s what I am doing. This is why. I’d like your opinion.” We often fret when others we value, and who value us, see nothing of concern.

 Stay in the present. Don’t look back. Don’t project. I am inspired by the words of Elton John who said: “Live each second without hesitation.”

I’d love to hear about the strategies that keep you from worrying about what others think. Write to me at Kate@KateSomerset.com.