You’ve probably been there. You meet someone and instantly you’re attracted. There’s a spark, an energy, a magnetic pull. If pressed to define what drew you in, you might struggle to find words to describe the feeling. It’s both subconscious and in your face at the same moment.

The first time it happened to me was in college. I was a senior paired with a male freshman for a duet in a university-wide talent show. The song we were to perform was Burt Bacharach’s “This Guy’s in Love with You.” Besides the fact that he was impossibly handsome and a good singer, my singing partner was single and a flirt. I fell hard, even though it was a ridiculous scenario. I was in a leadership position on campus and he was, well… just a momentary flame.

It took several months before I came to my senses. I knew he was wrong. I knew it early. And yet I kept playing with fire. Attraction led me exactly where I shouldn’t have gone.

I recall the moment a friend pulled me aside and said: “When you’re in lust, you’re not thinking clearly.” How right she was. Spending time with my singing Lothario was all about the allure and nothing else.

I learned then that a spark can start a fire. It can also burn the house down. Luckily that dalliance didn’t derail my college life. And predictably, there were others after I graduated from college. Note to self: It takes a long time to learn that when there’s strong sexual chemistry, our discernment gets very polite very quickly.

The Science of Why We Lose Perspective

If you beat yourself up over the times you’ve made poor decisions because you’ve let attraction override good sense, this should make you feel better: our brains are wired for pleasure. Chemistry can blind even the smartest of us.

Here’s why:

• The dopamine hit we get lights our fire to keep us coming back for more. Attraction is immediate which causes us to remember feeling good, instead of questioning whether there is compatibility and long-term alignment.
• Spending time with the person who attracts us becomes a pattern. To get a continued dopamine hit at the same levels, we increase the time we spend to get the same amount of pleasure.
• We tell ourselves we can stop. Just one more time, we say, only to be repeatedly pulled back in. Once we’re out of the relationship, we wonder how we allowed it to go on for so long.
• Attraction amplifies positives and minimizes negatives. Even when you know he’s not right for you, it’s tougher to voice concerns when you are drawn in like a moth to flame.

This isn’t weakness, it’s wiring. But we can’t let wiring make decisions. As famed psychologist and sex therapist Esther Perel said: “Attraction is not a choice. Attachment is.”

The Subtle Ways We Override Common Sense

In situations where we have a gut feeling he’s wrong for us, we know the truth but spend a lot of time and energy negotiating with it. The chemistry is quieting what feels uncertain.

See if any of these sound familiar to you:

• Believing chemistry signals potential
• Thinking intensity surely suggests compatibility
• Reframing red flags as “it’s just complicated, but it will work out”
• Ignoring any mismatch in values/lifestyle

This is not just a female issue. I know men who have fallen for the “siren’s call”. Think of the movie “Fatal Attraction”. The undeniable chemistry between Michael Douglas’s and Glenn Close’s characters was the foundation of the plot. There was a sinister angle to that story, which I am not suggesting happens in our own lives. The point here is that chemistry can sometimes cause us to make poor choices.

How the Chemistry “Problem” Creeps into Dating Later in Life

It takes courage to date later in life after a divorce or a spouse’s death. Add the intoxication of unexplained chemistry and it’s easy to see how there could be an unhealthy trap.

Desire feels exciting. Attention feels validating. Chemistry feels rare.

What to do? Keep in mind attraction is only data. You don’t have to deny chemistry. Just don’t let it decide. Slow down long enough to see the full picture. The goal isn’t to feel less; it’s to trust yourself more. If you have to talk yourself into him, your intuition may be trying to talk you out.

Write to me with your comments and questions at kate@katesomerset.com.