When I started dating after a long marriage and divorce, I wasn’t prepared for the stereotypes about femininity I encountered from men in the dating pool. Especially with online dating, men were sometimes quick to express preferences for what they deemed as “feminine”.

In dating profiles and in texts and phone calls, some men shared opinions about the following:

• Height – short men often wanted to be with women who were shorter.
• Weight – the acronym “HWP” (height weight proportional) was common lingo.
• Hair color/length – not a long-haired blonde, brunettes (me) were second tier.
• Age – younger was seen as an advantage over older.
• Financial circumstances – if you came from wealth, all the better.

At first, I was bothered by the superficial judgments men made when assessing who they deemed eligible to date. But after I got my feet wet going out with a few people whose narrow views of “womanhood” put me off, I had an epiphany.

What I offered was unique to me. I didn’t need to measure up to anyone else’s scorecard.

Instead, I turned the tables and decided what made men appealing to me. Once I took the time to figure that out, I became the one making the choices, instead of the other way around.

The Top Ten Attributes I Find Attractive in Men

You’ll have your own list of attributes you want in a date. But as a starting place, perhaps my “Top Ten” will resonate with you:

• An open mind. I don’t believe the world is black and white, and I don’t want to be with someone who does. Starting with not judging others (including having dated views of womanhood!), men who can see both sides of an issue and find grace in others exhibit real character.

• When I think of male physicality, I am drawn to men who are comfortable in their own skin and show up with confidence. Their energy fills the room. It has nothing to do with their height or size, and everything to do with their style and bearing.  

• Living through a marriage with drama and histrionics, I appreciate men who can handle pressure without boiling over and who thoughtfully find the best solution in a crisis. When I am around calm people, I can think more clearly to identify the best options, especially in times of difficulty.  

• Self-respect. I have found that men who take pride in their accomplishments and believe in themselves will be more likely to respect you and your achievements. Men with self-respect are not victims of their own mistakes and do not victimize others. They are accountable for their decisions, know their strengths, and work on their weaknesses.  

• I admire men who stand up for their beliefs and do the right thing even when it is difficult or unpopular. When I think of what it means to be classy, I define it as having integrity and courage to act appropriately even when it’s not easy.  

• I like men who don’t give up. When a man doesn’t fold on a task, a goal, or a person, he creates a solid foundation for trust and dependability. Determined men are also usually passionate people. They take pride in what they achieve, especially knowing it was hard-earned.  

• I appreciate a man who can focus and not give up. The patience required to get through a difficult or time-consuming or uncomfortable task demonstrates character strength. I am impressed by people who don’t do anything halfway.   

• Self-care. When I meet a man dedicated to his appearance and his good health, I respect that personal value. Men who care about how they show up will also appreciate the investment you make in yourself.  

• A sense of humor. A man who makes me laugh is endearing. I especially like a man who can laugh at himself and find humor in everyday life. Having a sense of humor requires quick intelligence which is high on my list.  

• I am always grateful for generosity shown to me by a date. But in a broader sense, I am also drawn to a person with a generous spirit who thinks of others first.

Knowing the Best is Getting the Best

To paraphrase Aretha Franklin, don’t settle for accepting someone else’s version of what you should want in a relationship. Get familiar with what attracts you and embrace it! Let me know how you succeed at Kate@KateSomerset.com.