Last month, I introduced the topic of imbalance in relationships due to financial inequity between partners. I asked readers to think about the implications of dating a person with less resources.

Let’s get the easy things out of the way you’d likely find unacceptable:

• Dating a person who cannot pay for at least some of your dates.
• Being with a person who has poor credit or is in extreme debt.
• Dating someone who asks you to loan them money.
• Taking on a partner’s financial obligations.

Beyond those extremes, what kind of financial picture would you be okay with?

Questions to consider about the financial health of a partner

All things being equal, it’s likely we’d agree that not worrying about money – either for ourselves or a partner — is a welcome relief. But what if the man you are dating has enough money to manage his life, but can’t contribute financially to yours?

I’d submit these four questions for your consideration:

• What is your definition of a successful relationship? If money is one of the key ingredients, you’ll base your choices at least partially around its availability. Other important relationship elements — in addition to money — include shared values, trust, emotional support, compatibility, and chemistry.

• Are you comfortable with an egalitarian partnership? Relationships today are often founded on equal contributions by both partners, both financially and in other ways. Women’s earning power has grown significantly. And as a result, more women are the higher wage earners than in previous generations.

• Is it important to you to maintain your own financial independence? Women who enter into relationships later in life may have had their own financial independence for decades. If a woman is confident in her ability to support herself, the man ‘s earnings may become less central to their partnership.  

• Do you plan to get married again? Commingling funds in a new legal relationship may set up challenges that independent women prefer not to have. Estate planning, contributions to children and grandchildren, home ownership, taxes and indebtedness each take on nuances that require careful forethought.

The answers to each of these questions will provide guidance on whether your situation is worth fighting for or is too complicated to pursue.

Five challenges to be aware of which occur in unequal partnerships

Here are issues that cut both ways in relationships where one party has more financial resources than the other. Whether it’s the man or the woman who has greater wealth, here’s what could occur:

1. Ego, pride and identity clash: If the man has fewer resources, he may feel diminished or emasculated, particularly in cultures where he’s expected to be the provider.

2. Power dynamics and decision authority: When one partner has more money, there’s a risk that financial decisions are dominated by one person (e.g. major purchases).

3. External judgment or social pressure: Friends or family who hold to traditional cultural norms may question the relationship, which can create tension.

4. Resentment which builds: If the higher earner feels taken advantage of over time, he or she may develop resentment. Likewise, the lower earner may feel pressure or guilt.

5. Lifestyle imbalance: The higher earner may feel unduly scrutinized by having the bigger purchasing power. And the higher earner’s desire to continue living the lifestyle to which he or she is accustomed may create an uncomfortable imbalance.

How to think about the importance of money in relationships

As you evaluate a potential partner, remember that money can’t secure connection. The real question is: Are we building the life together we want?

Keep in mind that love isn’t measured in dollars.

Compatibility, humor, kindness and emotional safety don’t show up on a tax return.  A bigger salary doesn’t guarantee affection, loyalty, trust, and respect. Contributions to relationships come in many forms including reliability, shared responsibility, and the investment of time, energy and concern.

So, you have a lot to think about! I’d like to hear more about how you feel about this topic of financial inequity with the men you date. Write to me @AnnLoudenCo@gmail.com.