For generations, the cultural script was clear: men were expected to provide, and women were taught to choose partners who could. But modern relationships are more nuanced. More women today out-earn their partners than ever before. Women who have been divorced or widowed have already adapted to relying on themselves, and that includes financially.

So what does all this add up to for dating later in life?

In my book, Mom…You Just Need to Get Laid: The Adventures of Dating After Divorce, I reveal true stories of dating in New York City after moving to Manhattan following many years of a difficult marriage in Texas. As background, my ex-husband was affluent and became even more so during our marriage. But I always knew if the marriage ended, I would be completely on my own financially. Not only had I signed a pre-nup, but also my ex-husband wielded sufficient power to create fear in the legal community, preventing me from being fairly represented.

As a result, when I moved to New York, I started over.

You’d think that my experiences would cause me to think twice about dating men who were not well off financially. Quite the opposite was actually true. I dated all kinds of men — from the uber wealthy to the just getting by. Why? Because I had consciously chosen to achieve financial independence during my marriage, preparing myself for the day when I would be single again.

That gave me a blank slate when I started dating after my divorce. I neither cared nor sought out men who had a certain kind of balance sheet. That freedom from being tethered to money gave me the opportunity to evaluate the men I dated on all their merits, not on their wallets.

Money and Relationships: Thinking It Through

Each of us has our own determinants of what we are looking for in relationships. Without question, money can shape the power dynamic between a man and a woman, for good or for bad. You must decide how important a financial balance – or imbalance – is for you.

Here are five questions to help you decide if a partner’s financial status is important to the success of a future relationship.

There are no right or wrong answers. We all have individual circumstances, values, and preferences that impact our point of view. The questions below are meant to help you reflect on what your point of view is:

• Does your financial situation require financial support from a partner?

Be honest with yourself. Are you financially independent? If you are not, is one of the reasons you are dating to find a man who can supplement your resources? Do you plan to share that goal with those you date?

• Do you want to keep your assets separate if you enter another relationship?

Perhaps you are earning or have earned more than a partner. Maybe you’ve inherited money. Or you have created estate plans to benefit heirs or charitable causes you care about. The more wealth you have, the more careful planning you’ll need to do if you want to get involved with a new relationship but not commingle resources.

• Is your identity tied up in a lifestyle?

Do you seek a man to date who enjoys a similar lifestyle to yours? Or do you want to change lifestyles and find a man who currently has the lifestyle you desire for yourself? Either way, your dating goals should reflect the expectations of how you want to live.

• If you are the higher wage earner or have the most resources, will you share?

Should you enter a relationship with a man who does not have your financial means, how comfortable will you be in sharing yours? In other words, are you prepared to pay for the man you date to enjoy the activities you want to do that he can’t afford?

• Do you care about societal pressure or external judgment?

Are the people who are closest to you likely to weigh in negatively about the financial situation of a person you date, and if so, does that matter to you? Likewise, if the man you date is himself uncomfortable about the disparity between what each of you has, are you prepared to manage that discomfort?

Once you have thoughtfully answered these questions, you’ll be ready to consider whether you want to date a man who is less well off financially. In part two of this topic, I will share strategies of dating men whose income is not equivalent to your own. In the meantime, please write me with any questions at Kate@KateSomerset.com.