Let’s face it…we’ve all been guilty of talking ourselves into dating men that just weren’t all that suitable. So, how is that perfectly intelligent, wise, worldly, experienced, and capable women make such bad dating decisions?

Often it comes down to one word: fear.

What are we afraid of? That we’ll be left behind. That we’ll be lonely. That we won’t find the person we want.

If those messages are playing on repeat in our heads, and if we give them too much attention, we can be persuaded to settle. And then what happens? We are disappointed in ourselves, unhappy with our circumstances, and lose faith in our ability to make good choices.

It doesn’t have to be like this. The easiest way to banish the scarcity mindset is to realize we have agency. We get to say what’s right for us.

And when it’s not, we don’t have to accept it.

Changing Your Outlook Is Knowing What You Won’t Accept

When I moved to New York City following my divorce after a long marriage in Texas, I had not given much thought about what I was looking for in dating. Translated, that meant I hadn’t given any thought of what I wasn’t looking for. I had to learn the hard way!

Just moving to Manhattan after decades in a different culture, climate, and community was a walloping adjustment. Dating was even more of a shock to my system! But it didn’t take long for me to observe patterns with men I dated that gave me valuable insight into behaviors that I knew weren’t acceptable to me.

Here are five observations I made that represent a reliable list of red flags to avoid.

Five Red Flags to Watch Out For In Men You Date

1. He doesn’t understand women and makes no effort to do so. Women are fundamentally different than men. It’s essential a man values and appreciates the distinctions of interests, conversational style, emotional connections, collaboration, and how female friendships are built and maintained with both men and women.

“If he says all his exes were crazy, I guarantee you he was the common denominator.” ~ Taylor Swift 

2. He doesn’t make you a priority. You’ll know if he puts in only part-time effort. Men signal what’s most important by how much time they give to it. You’ll know if you aren’t a significant (and growing) interest for him. You’ll also become aware you aren’t valued at the level you should expect, all of which will make you feel like an afterthought.

“He told me he needed space, so I gave him the whole universe.” ~Rihanna 

3. He’s focused too much on your appearance to the exclusion of all of you. Initially it’s flattering to be told you’re attractive. And yes, chemistry is 100% essential as kindling for a relationship. But some men will stick around only because of the physical nature of the relationship without investing any energy in learning more about you as a person.

“When a man shows you who he is, believe him…the first dozen times he never asked you a question about you weren’t a fluke.”

~ Oprah 

4. He’s closed off emotionally. First dates don’t require instant vulnerability. But as relationships progress, you want to date a person who is honest, genuine, and truth-telling. The key is to share equally so you each begin to have insights into the other.

“If he won’t share his fries, he won’t share his feelings.” ~ Mindy Kaling 

5. He’s clingy and unable to establish independence from you. If ever you feel rushed – that it’s too much, too soon — pay attention. This smothering could come from his need to be taken care of, which could eventually result in you drowning rather than thriving.

“Red flag? If he still lives with his mom and she does his laundry, run. Unless he’s 12. Then maybe give him a year.” ~Wanda Sykes

Make Your Own Red Flag List and Stick By It

Once I knew what I wouldn’t accept, it was so much easier to know what I WOULD accept. You don’t need to be psychic to see red flags, you just need to believe in your gut and focus on your powers of observation.

You’re the main character in your story, so aim high when you create your standards.

Write to me at kate@katesomerset.com to share what red flags you’ve seen and successfully avoided. I am proud of you!