Wabi Sabi Love Helps Us Accept Imperfections
I sat down with my friend Arielle Ford in the New Year to talk about her new book, WABI SABI LOVE: The Ancient Art of Finding Perfect Love in Imperfect Relationships (HarperOne, January 3, 2012). It has a funny name (you may be tempted to confuse it with wasabi, the green Japanese horseradish) but it is based on a wonderful idea: Relationships aren’t perfect nor are the people we love, but we can all find a way to accept the flaws and thereby find deeper joy in our relationships.
Arielle has long been an influential personality in the personal growth movement. Her stellar career includes many years as a prominent book publicist—promoting Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Neale Donald Walsh, and the Chicken Soup for the Soul guys, to name a few.
She is author of nine of her own books, including the international bestseller, THE SOULMATE SECRET: Manifest The Love of Your Life With The Law of Attraction. But I know that one of her greatest and most cherished accomplishments is “manifesting” her own soul mate, the amazing Brian Hilliard. Arielle and Brian have long been the poster kids for true love and they travel through life showing the rest of us how it’s done right!
Arielle shared some inspiring insights during our chat, and I share them here with all of you.
For Arielle’s blog and information on the book, visit her at www.wabisabilove.com
Rev. Laurie Sue: What exactly is Wabi Sabi Love?
Arielle Ford: Wabi Sabi is an ancient Japanese art form that honors all things old, weathered, worn, imperfect and impermanent by finding the beauty in the imperfections. For instance, if you had a large vase with a big crack down the middle of it, a Japanese art museum would put the vase on a pedestal and shine a light on the crack. Or, they might fill the crack with 24k gold! Wabi Sabi Love is devoted to exploring the simple, fun and effective ways to apply this concept to our love relationships through stories and exercises that demonstrate how to attain groundbreaking shifts in perception so that you can embrace and find the beauty and perfection… in each other’s imperfections.
LSB: How does this concept apply to modern relationships and the success of our relationships?
AF: Here are the sad but true facts about marriage today: 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages all end in divorce. Modern day society has conditioned us to look for and seek perfection, which leads to an ongoing state of frustration and dissatisfaction. In truth, we all know that perfection is not possible. But with Wabi Sabi Love we can come to appreciate our own and the other’s imperfection, and can actually experience a more natural state of grace than we thought possible. By practicing Wabi Sabi Love you learn to accept the flaws, imperfections, and limitations – as well as the gifts and blessings – that form your shared history as a couple. Acceptance and its counterpart, understanding, are crucial to achieving relationship harmony. It’s is sacred love, the highest form of love, and like most things worth striving for in life requires patience, commitment, personal responsibility, and practice. Imagine how great you will feel when you know your partner loves all of you, all the time? The good, the bad, and everything in between!
LSB: It seems many couples these days create distance and discord rather than practicing acceptance of who the other person is. What are keys in the Wabi Sabi philosophy that can help in this regard?
AF: One very important Wabi Sabi Love key is this: wear rose-colored glasses! Research by Sandra Murray, a psychologist at the University of Buffalo, reveals that putting on the “rose colored glasses” and idealizing our partner actually leads to more happiness and satisfaction in relationship. In fact, the happiest couples focus on what’s right and not on what’s wrong. This is also known as the “Pygmalion effect,” the phenomenon in which the greater the expectation placed upon people, the better they perform. It’s a form of self-fulfilling prophecy. As mature adults, we get to choose our thoughts and beliefs so why not intentionally intend and expect the best out of ourselves and our partners?
LSB: What would you say to people who feel they have been wronged, or who are angry and hurt? How can they embrace one another's imperfections?
AF: I don’t believe that you should use Wabi Sabi as an excuse for unkind, unloving or bad behavior. I am not suggesting that we go into denial. That said, it’s crucial to learn effective ways to communicate our anger and hurt in a relationship because according to leading love researcher, Dr. John Gottman, every marriage has around 9 irreconcilable differences. Arguments, hurt, and frustration--it happens to all of us in all relationships. So, working through core issues is critical and you may not instantly find the “wabi sabiness” of certain behavior. None of us is, or ever will be, perfect but striving to find Wabi Sabi brings more balance and joy to the relationship. And, a big dose of humor always helps!
LSB: Do you think anyone can benefit from this--regardless of their age or life situation?
AF: Yes, absolutely. We spend so much time in judgment of ourselves, and others, when we could open up to finding the beauty and perfection in our own flaws and those that we interact with. Becoming a Wabi Sabi artisan allows us to live a life with more ease, flow, harmony and acceptance. And, it works in all kinds of relationships – friends, family, co-workers, etc.
LSB: In researching the book all these months, do you have three or five tips for readers on how to open their lives to lasting relationships?
AF: Here are the three most important things I have learned:
1)
No matter what crazy-making thing our partner is doing, they did not wake up with the thought, “I plan to drive my spouse insane today.” Just like you, your partner wants to be loved for who they are, in spite of their short- comings. Make an effort to let them know they are loved even if some of their behavior is not. Work towards co-creative solutions.
No matter what crazy-making thing our partner is doing, they did not wake up with the thought, “I plan to drive my spouse insane today.” Just like you, your partner wants to be loved for who they are, in spite of their short- comings. Make an effort to let them know they are loved even if some of their behavior is not. Work towards co-creative solutions.2)It only takes one person to make a difference. Even if your partner isn’t willing to change that doesn’t mean all is lost. By taking personal responsibility for your own happiness, and making space for your partner to be whom and what they are, magic can and often does happen. It’s when we are blaming and shaming that no progress can be made.
It only takes one person to make a difference. Even if your partner isn’t willing to change that doesn’t mean all is lost. By taking personal responsibility for your own happiness, and making space for your partner to be whom and what they are, magic can and often does happen. It’s when we are blaming and shaming that no progress can be made.3)A great relationship requires care and feeding. Find daily ways to connect and express your love and gratitude for your partner. One of our favorite things to do is a 20 second hug that we learned from Gay and Katie Hendricks. It’s quick, easy and fun!
A great relationship requires care and feeding. Find daily ways to connect and express your love and gratitude for your partner. One of our favorite things to do is a 20 second hug that we learned from Gay and Katie Hendricks. It’s quick, easy and fun!LSB: Can you share a story from the book of couples who have discovered the power of Wabi Sabi love?
AF: One of my favorite stories in the book is about a couple named Ed and Deb. Ed loves to meet new people and tell silly jokes. Deb has heard all of these silly jokes a million times and is often annoyed because while they are out and about running errands, she always ends up waiting for him while he is busy entertaining strangers. One day, after Deb found herself waiting for Ed for the third time in less than an hour – and her frustration was reaching new heights – she observed Ed befriending a lonely little boy sitting on the curb waiting for his mother. She heard Ed say to the boy, “How does a camel hide in the desert?” The boy gave him a quizzical look and then Ed delivered the punch-line: ”Camelflage.” With that the boy burst into laughter just as his mother approached, giving Ed a big smile. It was at that moment that Deb, after a decade of marriage, finally got Ed’s true nature. He wasn’t trying to make her crazy at all. He just wants to make people happy. And on that day Deb found the beauty and perfection in what once made her crazy. I call this being willing to go from “annoyed to enjoyed.”
LSB: How has this philosophy changed your own great relationship.
AF: One day when Brian and I first got together I found myself ragging him out about God knows what. With my right index finger pointed in his face and my left hand on my hip, I caught myself acting in away I’d always sworn to myself I would never behave. I was appalled and I said to him, ”the next time I get like this (and unfortunately there will be a next time) you have my permission to gently say to me, ‘When did Sheila enter the room? ‘ Sheila is my gorgeous, brilliant mother who some times can be a bit overbearing. Much to my surprise, Brian said “OK and when I get a bit too paternalistic, you can call me Wayne (his much beloved father).” In an instant we found a Wabi Sabi way to diffuse what could have spiraled into an ugly argument. And to this day we still use these code words, “Sheila” and “Wayne” whenever one of us is getting a bit pushy or difficult.
| ||||
| ||||
The NYC Insider's Guide
for women who aren't kids
The Three Tomatoes
offers her insights on love, relationship and how to feel like a hot tomato with wisdom and humor. As our Love and Relationships columnist, this author, interfaith minister, wedding officiant and love coach covers the gamut between marriage and menopause, romance and dating, and sex and spirituality.
Prior to being ordained, she enjoyed a colorful career as a journalist writing for women. She was editor-in-chief of Playgirl and Single Living, and managing editor of Women’s News. She's written for NY Daily News, Denver Post, Washington Post, Philadelphia Inquirer, Ladies' Homes Journal and Woman's World.
She is author of 12 books, including: The Goddess Pages: A Divine Guide to Finding Love and Happiness Pet Prayers and Blessings: Ceremonies and Celebrations to Share with the Animals You Love.
Laurie Sue has a very active wedding ministry in New York, marrying couples of all faiths and backgrounds. And she is coach and creator of The Soulmate Project on Beliefnet.com. She is editor of Wedlok.com.
Wisdom and Humorous Insights on
Love and Relationships
from
Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway
Books by Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway
Recent Articles
HTML Comment Box is loading comments...
HomeI NYC Life I Food & Drink IStyle I Shopping I Travel I Health I Entertainment I Home&Hearth I Money&Careers I Love&Sex I Give Back I About Us
