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You and Your Siblings –
Don’t Let The Bad Times Continue To Roll
Dr. Karen Gail Lewis
You grew up with brothers and sisters. You played with them; you fought with them. They tattled on you (or you tattled on them). Mom liked you more; Dad liked them more.You’re grown up now. Do you still have the same squabbles? Can you write the conversations before they even occur? Do you get along well – except for certain topics? Do you speak to your siblings now? And, are they still alive so you can speak to them?Claudia Evart grew up with a brother and a sister – both of them dead long before they should have been. From being part of a set of siblings, she became an only child. Whatever her childhood experiences with her brother and sister, in 1998, she decided to do something special; she took her loss and her memories and translated them into action. She started working towards a National Siblings Day, now held on April 10.She says, “Mother’s Day and Father’s Day honor the living parents.” She wants a day to honor the people who grew up with you. This would be the people who shared your bedroom, your clothes, who fought over the same toys. She also wants a day to memorialize those siblings who are no longer in your life. She picked April 10, her sister’s birthday. Governors, Congress, and Presidents (from Clinton, Bush, and now Obama) are working on ratifying this day.Evart turned whatever her feelings about her siblings in childhood into a positive action for herself – and others. What do you do with your childhood feelings about your brothers and sisters? “Last Tuesday, like every first Tuesday of the month for the past 12 years, I got in my red Subaru and drove four hours straight north on I-95 to Denny’s. Why? Because my sister Chrissy drove south on I-95 for the same four hours to meet me.” Robin grins, “I wouldn’t miss these Tuesdays even if the Queen of England were coming to town. We had lunch and spent the day together, poking around shops, exploring new areas, but mostly sitting and talking.Robin and Chrissy, mid-life married women, have arranged their work schedule so they can have this special time together every month.“We weren’t always this close. There were 30 plus years when we wouldn’t go so far as our own backyards to spend time together. Mom had always wanted us to be close, but when we were little, she’s 15 months older than I, we fought over everything; I always ended up crying. When we were teenagers, she was nasty when I borrowed her clothes, her make-up, or her jewelry. True, I didn’t always ask first, but after all, I was a teenager!After college, we went our own ways. We got together twice a year at our parents’ home for Thanksgiving and Passover. These were the only times our kids got to see and play with each other.
But then, something changed at our mother’s funeral; it was almost magical. As we stood over her casket, it was as if her hand came up and grabbed us and made us hug. That hug changed our lives.”
Chrissy had never heard of National Siblings Day. “I think it’s a great idea, at least now. How would I have felt before Mom died? I’m ashamed to say, but I think I would have laughed. Why would I want to celebrate a day for a person whom I didn’t really care about?”
Joshua also had never heard about National Siblings Day. “I have mixed feelings. I rarely talk with my two sisters, only when they call me. Would I like to be closer? Maybe, but would I do anything to make it happen? Probably no. My brother though is another story. I don’t like him. I certainly don’t care if I never see him again.”
I ask, “If your brother called and said he was in serious trouble, or was really sick, and needed your help….”
He finishes my sentence, “Well, that would be different. I’d be right there.”
“Why, if you don’t like him?”
“He’s my brother.” Joshua grimaces as if thinking. “I know that doesn’t’ make sense. I’m not sure I can answer that, but we used to be real close when we were little. Well, we fought a lot. Rather, I used to beat him up. He was an annoying pest.”
He stops, trying to make sense of his contradictions. “I don’t know why, but I guess because he is my brother,” he repeats. “I don’t like who he has become now, and I don’t really care about any of the three of them, but I wouldn’t want anything to happen to them. That doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it?”
Ninety-five percent of Americans grow up with at least one brother or sister. That’s a huge statistic, yet so little attention is paid to such a significant relationship. Most adults get on with their lives, ignoring their siblings or taking their existence for granted, like Joshua, and like Chrissy and Robin before their mother’s death.
If you have ignored your siblings, if you wish you were closer to your siblings, there are some things you can do now, before it’s too late, like it was for Claudia Evart.
1. Write a letter to yourself, as if from your sibling, listing all the complaints you imagine your sibling has about you. Doing this may help clarify your sibling’s perspective of you and why she feels angry at or hurt by you.
2. Talk to your sibling about whatever insights you have gotten from your letter. It will be easier for her to listen to your anger and hurt if she feels heard first.
3. Sign up for a FREE teleseminar talk on understanding sibling conflicts and get more ideas for how to improve your relationship:
You may not miss your brother or sister now, you may be so angry you don’t care if you never speak to her (or him) again, but research shows that after age 65, siblings do become closer and have more contact. So, why wait. And, certainly, don’t let the bad times continue until it’s too late to improve your relationship. Remember your siblings on April 10, 2010, but then think about how differently you would like to feel about them by April 10, 2011.
Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, a marriage and family therapist (39 years) and author of books on relationships, including her newest, Why Don’t You Understand? A Gender Relationship Dictionary (www.GenderDictionary.com). She also specializes in adult siblings, including the free teleseminar mentioned above. For 16 years, she has run Unique Retreats For Women. She can be contacted at 513-542-0646 or www.DrKarenGailLewis.com.
Sign up for a FREE teleseminar talk on understanding sibling conflicts and get more ideas for how to improve your relationship:
